(fanfic in Harry’s POV)
Most days I’m okay, but some days it’s hard.
Some days my past hits me like waves and I am not okay again. My therapists asks me to accept things but how do I accept certain thing which weighs so much that I am literally on the ground unable to get up. Some days I am light as a feather and i know I am on the road to recovery.
When the weight is too much I don’t cry because of the medications that I take. Thankfully I have the stability but it doesn’t stop my mind from being fucked. I do not know how to let go of this pain in my mind so I resort to things I am not proud of. One being I text the people who caused the pain and say unpleasant things. I am not proud of it at all but I really don’t know how else I could release that pain in my mind. I would have texted them millions of times by now. I wonder though why I am still not blocked. I sometimes pray they block me and give me that closure.
Some days it’s too hard. I really believe karma is unnecessary(refer to my previous blog) but I find myself listening to Karma by Taylor Swift to ease the pain. But honesty? If they reach out to me and say kind words and the right words, I am ready to let go of all this resentment and talk to them cause I still love them. But that message never comes and my resentment grows by the day.
I don’t know what can be a balm to my mind. I crave for direct empathy. I crave to be hugged so much so that I go on dates with random guys just to be hugged and heard. I go to cafes and talk to and help the waiters just so I don’t feel alone. I try to make a difference in this world by helping the poor with whatever I can give them(but sometimes I don’t have money to give them and I feel guilty looking at their face). I keep wishing Modi would eradicate poverty from India, I don’t know how he does it but I hope he does. I so wish I could help those poor stray dogs. Being kind to people around me also heals my pain. Love heals me but sometimes there is no one to show that love.
I don’t really mean the things I text the people in my past, its trauma that comes out in the form of words. It’s just their lack of care and love that builds up my resentment by the day. I do not know why they don’t care anymore. Seems like the world has moved on and I should too. But once I cross path with someone and they make a difference in my life they are etched in my memory forever.
It might not be healthy to reopen doors cause its only gonna hurt me, but why am I not able to let go? why am I still waiting for that message?
rachana rajan <3 