rachana rajan <3

(fanfic in Harry’s POV)

I find myself slipping into depression ’cause the floor is all watery with my tears.

Sometimes I loose myself and I dunno what I am living for anymore. I dunno why I do what I do and what’s the point of all this. Sometimes there is nothing good left in my life.

It might sound crazy coming from me ’cause one might think how ungrateful am I when I have almost everything I want. I have nothing I want that I don’t already have.

But sadly that might not be how depression works. It gets the best of us and befriends us and might never leave?

I might not be clinically depressed but I do feel suicidal and cry at times, I have lost all motivation to do day to day activities as well. Nothing seems to work. Talking to friends and therapist doesn’t too.

I am extremely sad and do not wish to talk to anyone about it. I get angry at times as well because of all the BS I have gone through over the years. I guess no matter how much I vent about it and seek help, it is always going to be there in my memory and as a part of me.

What might actually work though? I know the answer but I do not want to say it. Because none of that is in my control. No matter how many stars I wish upon and say please make people around me more empathetic and kind. It will never happen in an Indian household. No matter how much I pray to God and say please bring Ginny back, it can’t happen.

Obsessing about external factors and crying about it might be to quote Joey a MOO point. What can I do about these things which is not really in my hands? Nothing.

I can only work on myself. I can decide I want change and work towards it, but how do I do it when depression is eating me alive like a shark. Sometimes I guess I need to marinate in my salty tears to get some clarity and taste like a well cooked chicken.

Sometimes I need to scream and scream at nothing and no one in particular to let off the steam. I hear Dumbledore, mom and my therapists somewhere in the distance. Their voices reaching me beyond the barren land where I’ve come to scream.

But honestly, It’s been too much for a person to take. But I guess giving up is not an option when I’ve come so far.