(fanfic in Harry’s POV)
I had a different childhood so everyone thought something was wrong with me(including me). Voldemort’s faulty perception added to it(refer to horcruxes). I was gaslighted, bullied and mentally tormented to a greater extent by my school friends and I was in a really bad state so I couldn’t stop crying and that lead to an abnormal amount of BS around me and I was taken to a therapist who did not know abc of therapy and to a psychiatrist in the end, who didn’t even ask me any questions and started giving me medication.
I was harassed continuously for a decade because of the misconception created by Voldemort. When I do not communicate something to someone and they bring up that topic and if that topic is indirect, that is taunting and harassing. It most certainly isn’t empathy and this most certainly isn’t my perception problem. If you have any doubts, please try talking this way to someone else and call yourself lucky if you don’t get punched on the face.
I tried bringing this up with my psychiatrist since day one and he wasted a decade of mine by telling “I’ll tell you later, it’s something else”. Imagine a 10 year old child who knows nothing about the world and everyone talks to him the way they spoke to me and everyone blames his mind when he tries to confront. That poor kid will be mentally tormented. This mental torment was created by the world to begin with. And the world calls him schizophrenic? I have no words to this.
I was mentally abused to a greater extent 5 years ago when the evil Lucius Malfoy came into the picture. I was broken into pieces and pushed down by the world. I was reduced to nothing. I lost my will to live. Now that I think about it my reaction that time was a normal reaction to abnormal amount of BS. I stopped making the psychiatrist understand about what happened because he didn’t really get it. He thought something was wrong with me because I wouldn’t stop crying? I don’t know. It was just shit and I decided to keep quiet about it.
Until, I started taking therapy and realized a lot of things and a lot of things actually started making sense. Now when I think about it. I have broken out of my delusion which was created by the world. I wasn’t delusional I was actually delusionalized. I haven’t been this normal in my life. I used to feel crazy sometimes, get headaches and feel anxious, that was all because of the medication that I was taking. The other day I asked my doctor to explain why I was schizophrenic and his explanation made me realize that he doesn’t understand it at all. It didn’t make sense at all. I felt like there was an enormous amount of communication gap which he is in no way ready to bridge by opening up. Also, he assumed a lot of BS about me.
People assumed heaps of bullshit about me because of Voldemort and other death eaters. Because of my different childhood people believed that bullshit. Because I was mute and my parents controlled me till a year ago I had no say in what was happening to me as well. Because the world messed up, no one is ready to open up about it. Not even my family, best friends, doctors or even the therapists. Because I am smart I am able to make sense of this BS.
What do I do now? It feels like I am in a trap deep below the ocean unable to reach the top and fight for oxygen because I am on my own on this one. I might actually be normal. I don’t need a MBBS degree to realize that. The twist in everything everything might actually be my story. Just that I don’t have an Olly.
I wish I had Olly. I wish I could hug Ginny and she wasn’t miles away in Canada. I wish I could just disappear in her arms and forget the pain.
But all one can do is wish. God was with me this entire time and he told me even he faced enormous pain when he was on earth. Jesus was crucified and Ram was sent to the forest away from home. He told me this pain is not forever. One day this will end and I am still waiting for that day.
rachana rajan <3 