rachana rajan <3

(fanfic in Harry’s POV)

While we are at it, let’s talk about this as well.

So you are well aware of my first mistake the deranged Bellatrix.

This was followed by Gilderoy Lockhart. Let’s continue talking about what happened after the infamous kiss. He continued leading me on by saying “hmm” whenever I very stupidly told him I loved him. Whenever I would tell him I’m meeting an other friend who is a man, he would call me beautiful, a typical fuck boy move. Whenever I would confront him with something, he would again call me beautiful, since I was only used to being called ugly, I fell for it.

My best friend at that time used to send nudes to her fiance and she would talk about it and show it to me and I tried copying it by sending nudes to Lockhart and he would sext me instantly and if he wasn’t sexting he would lead me on in his own ways, which I got addicted to because I was stupid.

After years of this lead on, he lost interest and started avoiding me, I kept dying and he would say he is busy. I kept breaking down everywhere, in the bus, at ministry, at home. He started mentioning about Lucius and how he hates when he is told whom he should talk to and not. I kept breaking down and Lucius kept re-appearing and gaslighting. In the end I started doubting them and lost my mind and almost died.

And then something happened one magical night, I forgot that he existed and life became better and he was blocked.

Then enters the Parrot who wanted to marry me. He met me the second time and told me he loved me and kept kissing me. Since this was my very first experience I fell for it. I told him the truth that I take meds for emotional stability which his sister was opposed to, so he ended things the next day after that date. But he didn’t stop dating and kissing me. After few months of this, things ended and I decided to move on because anyway whatever I felt was platonic.

Covid happened and I thought I met the love of my life when I met Will(let’s just call him that). But I never met him because he was in kerala and I was here. He kept saying he loves me every single day and I was irrevocably in love. We spoke for a month. I was finally happy till fate happened. He got engaged to someone else. But he didn’t stop texting and saying that he loved me and we didn’t stop sexting, we even did it on video call on the day he was supposed to get married but got postponed. I was as always oblivious to what was going on and so much in love.

Later, finally he got married and I died a little. I stopped sleeping and finally ended up taking therapy and completely stopped talking to him. But after few months, he got back in touch. He asked me to talk to him on snapchat, hike, telegram etc and we kept in touch. He would continue to flirt and I would do it as well. But since he was married after a year I decided to move on, because this was fucking my mind.

That’s when I met the psychopath. He started sweet talking to me on the very first day and I agreed to be in a relationship with him because as you already know I was stupid. He was divorced and he used to bitch to me about his wife and I felt sorry for him until he started showing his true colors and I realized why his wife left him. He didn’t want a girlfriend or wife, he wanted a maid who does house work for him and someone hot to show off to his friends. His friends and him would have fun seeing videos of women burning to death and I used to wonder whats happening here. He would do weed and kiss me and I kept dying and kept dying.

I told him I’m a virgin and I do not want to do it before marriage and I actually didn’t feel love for him to do it. He sucked in bed anyway. But he kept manipulating me, in the end I agreed because well, I was stupid. While he was going to do it he removed the condom and threw it and said he was going to do it just like that, I said No and started crying, he asked me to just leave and started shouting and I broke down. Then the manipulation continued and he finally did it without the bloody condom and I died.

He met one of my friend one day and after that kept talking about her constantly and kept forcing me to call her every single time we met. He tortured me and abused me mentally when I used to stand up to his bullshit. He was kinda mentally off and that was the worse 2 months of my life coming second to the Bellatrix abuse.

He kept abusing me in bed again and again, no matter how many times I told him I don’t like fingering and it is hurting me, he kept doing it again and again. He fucked me up. When I used to talk about it or cry, he would shout at me constantly and manipulate.

He was an abusive, manipulative and characterless person. When I would show him pictures of my female friends he would say things like, “she is fit for one night”. He kept abusing me mentally and I kept dying and finally things ended and I couldn’t get up from bed for a month. I kept crying without realizing what really happened.

After that it was another psycho mistake. I told him I was messed up and he would keep hugging me without my consent. He was for some reason way too attracted to me and after one month of him begging I agreed to date him. But regretted immediately because for me it was platonic and I never felt a thing. He was creepy AF and would spit at me on video calls and remove his shorts etc. I was fucked in the head. Later after spending alone time with him, I realized his dick is as weird as him and he doesn’t use a tongue cleaner. I was so creeped out that I ended up shouting at him and things ended.

This was follwed by another psycho, who I already told you about, the person I sent IDGAF to, Yup. (refer to boy IDGAF)

I gave up on dating after that.

During this time, I kept staying in touch with Will and Will continued to flirt with me up until last year and we finally met last year. And I continued being in love with him.

After we met Will said to me that he finds me hot and likes me. But we had a fight and stopped talking, when we got back in touch though, he started treating me like shit and denied everything that happened between us and he said to me that I was asking for attention always and he is doesn’t want to talk to me like before because his priority is his family. After I realized that I was played I got over him finally.

I met Ginny last year and fell in love again.

No I’m not going to talk about him because someone I look up to told me that, the greatest of luxuries are my secrets.

It was magical and I was becoming comfortable in my skin, confident and I was finally happy with everything in my life and what it was, after years of building it.

I was not afraid, I started standing up for myself.

But shit happened and I was pushed down again and my world was shattered into million little pieces.

Ginny left.

I met what feels like a hundred men after that and I realize now maybe I might never love again. That’s okay though.

Cause maybe marriage isn’t everything. It is the most easiest thing to do but if I’m unable to love, do I really need it?