(fanfic in Harry’s POV)
When I think about the past now, it fills me with immense grief.
It fills me with grief for what my parents had to go through and a lot of resentment for what I went through. Yes, I’ve accepted the past and also let go of it. But sometimes the thoughts cross my mind and I try not to dwell too much into it and try to muddle the thoughts with music or a book and I somehow forget it.
It fills me with guilt for all the times I was angry at my parents and shouted at them for someone else’s mistakes because my parents were and are innocent no matter how they were before.
I don’t really judge them anymore because given the circumstances and the place they were in, they were doing their best with whatever understanding they had at that time and so did I.
My heart falls when I see them growing old because I couldn’t give them a regular life because of all that shit, aah! let’s not go there.
It fills me with grief when I think about the future too because I cannot imagine a life without my mom. It fills me with immense grief, so I try not to think about that too. It’s just better that way because the future is always unknown, I think something and plan something but life never really goes according to the plan.
All I have is right here right now and to make the most of it while I have it.
Why can’t I stop time though? Seeing my niece grow each day tells me how soon the time is passing. Otherwise I don’t really realize it, you know? Now I just wanna stop time because I need more time and I need more of these days with my parents where things aren’t so wrong and problems are just what to make for dinner or something silly like that.
Oh what will I give to go back in time and worry about what to eat for dinner with my mom. Anything. Absolutely anything.
rachana rajan <3 