rachana rajan <3

(from Harry’s POV)

I’ve been thinking and reflecting on a lot of things lately because I have had a lot of free time and I haven’t really been speaking to anyone.

First and foremost, I want to apologize to everyone who might have taken personal meaning out of my blogs or anything I would have said verbally till now, expect for the people it was meant for, to everyone else, I want to say I’m sorry.

I feel it was really my mistake because I kinda don’t have a hang on how to talk, I’m still learning.

I guess I wasn’t clear on what I was conveying and also maybe I’m supposed to explain everything that happened first and then give my thoughts on the subject and be precise on what I want to convey and whom I’m speaking about.

This is one thing I feel I did wrong since the beginning and it lead to so much misunderstanding and trauma. But to be honest, I really didn’t know how to speak up until few years ago. Everything I’m saying now is self taught and therapy is helping too.

What I have understood is that, up until few years ago I was really immature. Everything I was doing was playing and I’m really not sure why. I kept copying my friends and doing what I was told even if I didn’t want to and play and unfortunately a lot of things happened to me and I was used, abused and what not.

Also, I would like to clarify my bisexual side, which I guess is the root of all misunderstanding.

I guess everyone saw the texts I was sending Ginny when I came out as bisexual and I guess what I was doing then was figuring out my feelings. I didn’t really understand what I was feeling and I was just trying to figure things out and some things that I said to her was just to make her happy because as you already know I’m a pathological people pleaser.

I’m straight for longer period of times and in between for a fraction of time I’m bisexual and that is only online. I’m really not interested or get turned on by women in real life. I don’t get turned on my men too for that matter, unless I’m in love with him or very rarely if I have a crush on him.

The first person whom I was sexually attracted to was Gilderoy Lockhart, till then I was really not interested in anyone. I’m really sorry for all the confusion. Till then I would just masturbate thinking about something I watched in a movie.

The first woman whom I was attracted to was shruti but it was only online and for a day or so.

The first person I have felt like having sex with is Will but we never met.

So in real life the only person I have felt like having sex with is Ginny. That might explain my stupid attachment to her. Because I’ve never felt like it with anyone else in my life.

The only other person I have felt like having sex with is simran, but I don’t feel that anymore.

I’ve been straight from last 9 months or so, even if I think a woman is really beautiful I’m not attracted to her.

I’ve had few crushes after Gilderoy, but that was very few.

I’m really sorry if I offended anyone with my blog “the flying panda”. I just wrote that because I was angry at the person it was meant for, I don’t think she looks constipated or anything of that sort. It was just a retaliation for what I went through because of her. I didn’t really mean it. I’m sorry if anyone else got offended because of it.

I guess it might be because of my different life and all the trauma I went through, I really don’t get turned on easily and never have. My body and mind is still recovering and sex or anything of that sort is the last thing on my mind.

I guess I did owe an explanation because I guess everyone knows me and a lot of things happened and maybe it was important for me to explain and clarify.

I think I might have been convicted for something, I’m not sure though because no one really tells me anything and I don’t remember doing anything wrong or hurting anyone unless they caused me severe trauma.

I’m really not sure about certain things because it doesn’t really make sense why anyone would put someone though so much inhuman pain and suffering.

I guess what I need to do right now is listen to Taylor Swift when she said, burn all the files and desert all your past lives.

I’m sorry if I hurt anyone without really understanding what happened, please forgive me.