rachana rajan <3

It’s close to midnight and there are so many thoughts running on my mind.

To begin with, I keep thinking it’s such a privilege to live a long and healthy life. I saw a beautiful old lady the other day with salt and pepper hair and blue highlights in between and I thought to myself if I’m lucky to live so long I’ll probably do the same.

Sometimes I think if I don’t wake up tomorrow, what will happen to my YouTube, Spotify, audible and Netflix membership, because the money gets debited every month and my family don’t know my password to cancel it. Somehow that thought bothers me a lot because I’m stingy AF.

Sometimes I keep thinking about kissing Ginny. Actually most of the time but then in reality, I don’t think I can kiss like I used to because my throat is kinda fucked.

Sometimes I get scared thinking am I dying? But my doctor’s say I’m not so maybe I should believe them? I don’t know because no one tells a dying person they are dying right?

I feel I can’t live alone. No, I can’t, even if I badly want to. I cannot survive by myself.

I hope Ginny gets whatever she wants in life and she finds someone whom she loves and has beautiful little kids who look like her.

I regret hurting my family because I couldn’t let go of the ghosts from the past. I wish I could take back the hurtful words but I guess I can’t. I guess I’m not really living if I’m not regretting, to quote my favorite book. I have healed my anger and it is no more now and I’m completely at peace.

Also, I removed all traces of the people from my past from mine and my parents phones because I don’t want to contact them ever again and Instagram helped too.

I don’t know if I’m dying but when I think about it, I don’t want to and I get scared. I really want to die in my sleep whenever it happens and not feel or realize a thing.

I feel I’m in a good place now and I want to live and experience so much more and I wish I could grow old and get that highlight in between my salt and pepper hair but I guess none of it is up to me.

So I guess all I can do is make the best of now.