(from Harry’s POV)
Why do I feel guilty when I hurt someone back after they hurt me?
Maybe they deserve what I say because they caused severe trauma and I should not cry when I hurt them. Maybe I should not think about them or even apologize because they didn’t apologize for their harsh words. Maybe I should just move past it like they always do. Maybe I should not explain myself because they never do.
But I do all that, you know?
Why am I like this?
Why do I apologize when I stand up for myself? When standing up for myself is absolutely necessary.
Why am I not thinking about myself but them?
Sometimes I have to keep repeating in my head, “don’t say sorry”, because I didn’t do anything wrong.
But sometimes I say sorry, whether it’s my fault or not. Maybe it’s because I care about the relationship and the person more than what happened.
Growing up I didn’t really understand the concept of apology and apologized for everything, even if I was the one getting hurt.
I understand it now, but I still don’t put myself first? I still don’t think about myself.
My parents did irreversible damage but I still love them and it breaks my heart to hurt them. So much so that my words break me as much it breaks them.
Then why am I saying those words you might wonder?
Why are you being the archer you might ask?
I don’t have an answer to that I’m afraid.
I’m a mess.
My thoughts, my words, my hair, my heart, my songs, my bank balance, my job and my anxiety too.
Everything is a mess.
rachana rajan <3 