rachana rajan <3

It’s 2.54AM.

I’ve been awake since last three hours trying to think about everything and put my thoughts in order.

I’m always a calm and happy person like how I am in my YouTube videos, but when I interact with people, most of the time I get disturbed.

Because most people I’ve interacted with suck and also, what I’ve understood from my interaction with people is most of them don’t have good intentions for me.

People I’ve interacted with either are jealous of me, they try to bring me down or want to sleep with me.

It’s very rare to find people who do not have ego and have good intentions for me.

I realised this recently after years of not realising and not able to make sense of things.

Before I assumed everyone are good and trusted everyone and treated everyone as my best friends.

Now I kinda have trust issues and am extra careful.

Now I’m able to understand things better and people better and I’m able to make better choices for myself.

Sometimes I feel extremely fucked up. Upon sitting with my thoughts and trying to understand, I have realised every single time I feel fucked is because of an interaction with a toxic person or watching a content online.

I always love people. It can be a superpower and also a curse.

Superpower because it keeps me going and I’m alive because of it.

Curse because I keep going back to toxic people and give them 100 second chances and try to see good in them and end up fucked each time.

I have realised that, if something is toxic I should just let it go.

Because I’m slow, I don’t understand toxic easily. I take time to understand things and react to things.

But I’m slowly getting the hang of it after educating myself constantly.

I hate the fact that I am not able to react to things instantly when it happens and that fucks me. But I guess it’s okay to react when I understand it.

I’m working constantly on reacting quicker and I’ve come to realise that, the more I get to know people, the more I don’t like them.

I find this kinda strange how people are.

Sometimes I don’t even know why they do what they do and why they are in constant battle and ego clashes and other unnecessary emotions.

I mean, we are living in this tiny speck in a vast unknown universe, I’m not saying their problems aren’t relevant, I’m just saying it’s kinda silly when you look at it from a bigger picture.

Problems like jealousy, greed, ego, competing with friends etc, it’s kinda silly don’t you think? Yet it consumes people and keeps them awake at night.

Don’t even get me started on violence and rape. I don’t even understand why that happens and why people don’t see the bigger picture and consequences before doing something.

The thing that is keeping me up right now is shouting at my mom. I don’t really care if it’s my fault or hers anymore.

I keep saying I want to move out because I don’t want to hurt them or get hurt.

We don’t work, you know?

As long as we live together there’s always going to be problems because my mother is emotionally immature and I really don’t want to deal with it because it drains me.

Also, the malayali patriarchal behaviour of my father fucks me.

I feel if there is distance, I will be able to love my parents so much and I will miss them so much and we don’t have to get hurt anymore.

I want to be close to my family but live in a different house, that’s it.

Things are always going to be the same as long as I live with them. I don’t know why people are watching us suffer each day, I don’t know what people are doing and what is this masochistic behaviour.

I feel exploited and used, I’ve said this many times and still there is no change.

Everyone are benefiting out of me and copying my ideas and words.

I’m getting nothing but problems and no perks at all.

I’ve been literally begging for my own money when I’m successful.