Today is my birthday and I feel suicidal even today.
I have had few good days here and there in my life but I have felt suicidal most days.
Father stared at my body even today and I wanted to die that second itself. My mother created unnecessary problems in my life even today.
They tortured me continuously since I spoke about the domestic violence for 2 years intentionally. So I’m not sure anymore what they are doing is intentional and what is not.
I have stopped trusting them.
I confronted father again today and again my mother started shouting at me. I don’t know why she doesn’t understand his mistakes or she doesn’t want to understand, I’m not sure?
It’s better to just disengage with them and stop caring more than necessary because I’m just sacrificing my peace of mind.
The whole world knows what I’m going through within these four walls but no one does anything about it.
I’m not given my own money, no matter how many times I ask or talk about it. Everyone are repeating my words and making content out of my content and benefiting out of me and I suffer every single day.
I face so many problems everyday. I have faced all the problems there is to face of being successful but I don’t get the perks for it.
I’m stuck in this tiny apartment with that man who has hurt me every single day of my life and with my mother who cared about me few years ago but that feels like a dream.
Every time I’ve tried to make friends either they have betrayed me or they make it sexual or they envy me or they treat me like a doormat. I have stopped trusting the hard way.
Every time I try to get into a relationship either it’s toxic and if it is not toxic, it somehow ends because even if I do everything right, my life always turns to shit. I don’t have a say in my own life.
The past memories haunt me sometimes even now because memories can never be erased and I find myself listening to karma 5 times on repeat and confronting the devils whom I dealt with in my life in my mind. Even if I try to find peace somehow, it doesn’t stay.
Today is my birthday and I feel suicidal even today. I’m just not going to act on it like every other day.
I’m 33 years old and this is my life.
rachana rajan <3 