rachana rajan <3

I’m open to meeting someone new.

It’s just that, I’m not meeting anyone I want to be with.

Also, I feel I should just place dating on hold for now because I’m not in the mindspace to date. As I said, I’m unable to function half the time.

I’ll think about it after I move out, if I feel the need for a partner.

Right now, I just try to make the best of good days. I have equal amount of bad days which looms like a stormy cloud and ebbs away too.

I’m just waiting and dreaming about things I’ll do when I start living alone. How I’ll decorate my house, the furnitures, watching TV on the couch at odd hours because I can.

The freedom and peace.

I do love my family and I will constantly miss them.

I want to be independent. I like being alone and doing things by myself.

I’ll visit my family all the time and when I want to be alone, I can just be alone.

For a very long time I didn’t know we weren’t from money. I never realised that.

I realised we don’t have money couple of years ago and I felt oh? Why didn’t I know that before?

When we were living in the previous house, I accepted what life was and kept living life. I accepted the harassments and assaults. I felt that’s life and continued with life silently.

It’s after I moved to this apartment and therapy. I started understanding things slowly.

I built my life again and I was happy. I started speaking back and became so confident.

But that didn’t last.

Now I don’t know what life has become. It’s good sometimes, I’m not denying that. I do like all the love. Sometimes I feel I need some privacy.

I don’t feel good about talking badly about my family because I understand where they are coming from.

I have to keep reminding myself, I’m just speaking the truth, it’s okay, don’t feel guilty.

And I know that they are trying so I try to have compassion and heal my anger.

I don’t want to hurt them again God nor do I want to get hurt. If only I can place some distance between us.