rachana rajan <3

After the last time I met Ginny I was in terrible pain. It felt as though my body part was cut off.

I felt she doesn’t like me. I was really stupid to understand what had happened.

I wanted the pain to stop, so I started talking to men and going on dates.

The only thing I wanted to do was talk to someone and hug them.

I love hugging and when I’m feeling low, hugging makes me feel better.

But when I started talking to them, they made it sexual. I didn’t stop them and went along with it because I wanted the pain to stop.

I kissed a few of them.

When I would say let’s spend time watching TV and chilling, they would bring condom and ask if I want sex. I honestly don’t know where the misunderstanding was because I was clear.

I would just leave when they did that.

I was always physically present but mentally absent.

After that I got tonsils somehow.

But I continued meeting people, just to hug someone.

Whenever I would try to hug my mom, she kept pushing me away, so I eventually stopped.

I also had an overwhelming suicidal feeling and my heart was in terrible terrible pain.

I hugged Dhruv because he was my friend and he spoke about fingering me.

I hugged Rahuul Rishav because he was a friend but he kissed me without my consent when my throat was hurting and I had no intention of kissing.

I was dying inside slowly.

Men keep making things sexual and I hated it.

So I stopped meeting them.

There was so much harrassment happening around me. So much inhuman harrassment.

Ginny started saying she loves me indirectly and slowly the pain started becoming better but she also directly said she is engaged.

I was so confused. I felt she doesn’t want to commit.

I tried making up my mind to get married and genuinely tried, but I just couldn’t see a future with anyone.

I was so confused why Ginny was telling me she loves me, but talking to her and being loved by her healed me.

But she kept saying she is engaged.

Then I was on the verge of dying because of tonsils and I started pushing Ginny.

I badly wanted to talk to someone, so I called Deepak GS. I clearly said I’m looking for a friend, but he said he loves me and wants me marry me. But honestly I don’t like him.

I was always physically present and mentally absent.

In the end I stopped craving for company and hugs.

Cause men either love me or make it sexual and I’m just not interested. They don’t know how to read the room, they misunderstand my kindness and empathy for interest.

I started dreaming about hugging Ginny instead or think about her and I started feeling better somehow.

I wasn’t really interested in anyone anyway, I was never present mentally.

Now I really don’t want to date. I’m not interested to repeat the BS that I went through.

Also, my heart and mind is never with them.

I didn’t really meet anyone significant as well.

If I feel like meeting someone I might, I’m not sure what the future holds. But I don’t see it happening right now.