rachana rajan <3

I think people call me a cat because cats stare.

I honestly don’t know what started this.

During school, after I started getting lost in my world, people around me ceased to exist. Honestly I didn’t know there were people around me.

I was busy in my world, doing homework, studying, watching TV, talking to God, reading.

I don’t remember when I started mastrubating.

I didn’t know what was happening around me.

People would keep hurting me and I found comfort in my world.

After many years, when I started talking to Voldemort, she used to sit behind me and I would turn in my place to talk to her.

When I turn to face her, diagonal to me there was a boy, I forgot his name, who voldemort had a crush on, I would look at him sometimes, but I couldn’t see him clearly because at that time I wasn’t comfortable wearing glasses.

I would look at his blurry face and think why voldemort likes him and I started faking and copying whatever she did.

I started saying I have crushes too. I didn’t know what that meant at that time. I wasn’t really interested in anyone in reality.

I was just trying to blend in, I didn’t have an identity of my own.

I would just do what she would do.

That was the only incident I remember “staring”.

I would randomly look and smile at strangers because I wanted to make friends.

Most of the time I was lost in my world.

Sometimes I was extremely suicidal.

This is all I remember.

I used to copy my friends and talk about crushes and cute boys and check out boys because they were doing it.

But I couldn’t care less.

Lockhart is the first person I was sexually attracted to, I think I already said this.

After few years I grew up.

But people around me were fed the preconceived notions and they continued with this shit, I guess it was for my benifit.

But I didn’t really enjoy it and sometimes I humoured them.

Whoever was giving an “introduction” about me to people I spoke to was doing a pretty pathetic job because that person doesn’t know me at all.

They weren’t keeping up with my growth. Also, they sabotaged my life in the name of help.

These days I casually look at people around me sometimes, but I don’t pay much attention, faces around me are kinda blur because I’m not really interested.