Note.

I remember that Bellatrix and I kissed in cab once and she made me hold her dick. I was really disturbed and fucked.

I didn’t know what was happening because I was a retard back then.

I didn’t know anything back then. Didn’t know to say no and end things.

I knew nothing about anything.

I did kiss her few times and faked it few times because I was scared and I wanted to please her. I think I already said this.

I felt nothing.

I was always always fucked.

I didn’t have an understanding of what happened or what she was doing.

The only thing I wanted to do was kiss just once.

She took advantage of that and used me as much as she could because she knew I was innocent.

I was fucked for years till I heard “Vigilante shit”.

After I heard that song, I DMed his wife.

……

I was so fucked because of everything that happened to me.

I was crazy and at the end of my thread most of the time in the past.

And people kept hurting me on top of that.

Sometimes I would loose track of what I was saying and texting.

I have no memory about my messages or whatever I wrote in my blog.

I didn’t have memory about a lot of things that happened to me too. I remember it only when I see something that reminds me of it.

I have memory issues. I think it’s because of what happened to me.

I keep thinking about good things again and again, I relive it in my head so I remember them.

I remember what I read as well mostly.

But I don’t remember a lot of things at the same time.

I remember shouting at mom but that’s because of the false empathy and the torture.

I faced horror.

I’m still facing it.

….

I remember whoever I’ve dated asked me to give them a blowjob. I mostly say no unless I’m in a relationship.

I always found it weird but I felt that’s something that men say.

It’s all making sense now.

God.

….

People feel they can do whatever shit they want to do to me because they get away with it.

If whatever happened to me would have happened to someone else a lot of people would be in trouble.

But because it’s me people are controlling my life and torturing me and even want me dead for someone else’s mistakes and fuck ups.

My life isn’t valued.

My decisions, choices and words aren’t valued.

That’s because people don’t respect me as a human being.

They do whatever fuck they want and try to control me.

But no more.

Because I’m teaching people how to treat me by not allowing their shit.

I’m saying no to what doesn’t serve me or my peace of mind.

It’s a big fucking no.

The door to my life is permanently closed for some.

Even if it means that I’m a fucking villian.

I’d rather be a villain than loose my self respect and self love.