rachana rajan <3

I was reflecting on why I don’t like spice in books.

I kinda goes deep into my past.

I feel it’s because I don’t have the experience in real life.

I mean the experience of doing it with someone I’m attracted to.

The only experiences I have is with all the toxic men I dated in the past.

Also, growing up I was assualted sexually so many times and raped, so I used to stay away from it.

Even if I used to watch, I couldn’t watch more than few seconds.

Because it would send me in trauma.

But recently after I have healed from the immense trauma and started becoming normal.

I’m able to be more accepting towards the spice in books and movies and also my triggers.

Which I couldn’t read and watch, up until last year.

I was listening to an explicit spice scene in an audio book yesterday and it felt normal because I’m in a good place mentally now.

Also, I don’t know much about sex. So listening it was kind of like educational.

I wasn’t aware of so many things that I read in normal people as well.

I like learning new things and educating myself.

Now that I’m in a good place mentally, I’m able to explore more grow up books with mature themes.

Also, face my triggers.

I don’t get disturbed as I used to before when I read something triggering.

Before I couldn’t sleep at night when I would certain things which triggers me.

But these days I’m able to be more accepting towards it and skim through normally.

It’s after I shifted from reading young adult books to books with mature themes, that I started understanding a lot of things about marriage, relationships and sex etc.

It’s helped me a lot in understanding things which didn’t make any sense to me before.

I feel like I’ve grown up over the course of last few years and also my mind is healed from the trauma of the past.

So I’m able to be normal.