rachana rajan <3

Something strange happened yesterday.

Yesterday night, I had a dream that Ginny got hurt. I started crying and placed a bandaid on the cut.

I don’t know what to call this.

But today afternoon, I got hurt on my pinky finger and I placed a bandaid on it.

I was thinking about that dream the entire time.

It might have been a coincidence, I suppose?

I don’t know what else to call it.

I’ve been thinking about Ginny everyday since I started speaking to her and the thoughts are so familiar and kinda like a part of my everyday.

I’ve been mindlessly walking on the Koramangala street alone these last few years, since I last met her.

Thinking about all the times I was with her walking on that street.

I’m almost always lost in that reverie.

I’ve gone to xoxo so many times and asked if the upstairs is open, to sit at the same table where we sat.

Just so I can feel closer to her, if that makes any sense at all.

Maybe, it doesn’t.

Although it’s never really open every time I go there and I stand outside and look at the door and I don’t know, my heart starts to beat fast and my eyes gets numb, like it’s getting now.

And I just go around aimlessly.

Maybe I’m stupid. Maybe I’m fucked for life.

Because I don’t really care much about anyone else as much.

I’m always in my head, lost and thinking about meeting her.

I’ve been getting quite frustrated since the world said she’s my christmas gift and could hardly contain my feelings.

And now I’ve accepted defeat.

I don’t really know why I’m going round in circles with whoever it is who has a hold of what happens around me and online.

Speaking about things I don’t really care about because how many times do I say the same thing.

I don’t really care about these things anymore because I have healed from it and already let go.

I think I had not said everything before.

But I didn’t know these things were highlighted as an issue to begin with.

But yeah.

I’m so done with it now.

So done.

I just want to be left alone in my world and in my day dreams and be with Ginny there.

Until, she shows up outside my window with the blue french horn.

And we run away from here together somewhere far away and sink our toes in the sand and waves by the beach.

And finally my heart doesn’t ache with sadness and longing.

For her and the mighty ocean.