rachana rajan <3

(I’ve already spoken about this, but I want to add to it. If it helps you, that’s great.)

When I’m on a date with someone, I kinda study them silently.

I notice patterns,

Do I like the way they speak? do I feel comfortable in their presence and feel like opening up to them? do I like how they think? am I attracted to this person enough to have sex with them? etc.

Most importantly, I try to imagine a future with them.

Do I see myself living with this person?

Sharing a house, a bedroom, a bed, my blanket, kitchen, bathroom, etc for the rest of my life.

Do I see a future with them?

Is this person easy to speak to, how does this person handle problems, conflicts, misunderstandings, failure, anger etc.

Is he my friend?

I notice their flaws and think,

Am I okay with their flaws or do I feel like driving off a cliff?

These are a few things that run on my mind when I study them.

When I date someone casually I do get attached if we date for a long duration even it is not serious.

I’ve dated for 2-3 months.

But when it’s not serious, I get over them in a month. I used to break down and stuff but I get over it.

Because they won’t be the right person for me.

I try to rationalise it my mind and when I dislike them, there’s literally no going back.

I was able to do this because of my experience with dating wrong men.

The more I put myself out there, it became extremely clear what I’m looking for and what I want.

But it was a toxic and draining experience.

…..

With Will my heart broke, so I took a long time to be okay. I got over him few months before I met Ginny.

We decided to stay friends that’s why I couldn’t move on.

When I fell in love with him again after Ginny said she doesn’t love me 2 years ago, it was for a short duration.

Also, he was married. So yeah, it was wrong.

I’ve been neutral about him since then.

…..

I don’t think I will fall in love again or even date. Because Ginny is it for me.

That’s why l’m sharing how I think with you.

I don’t think I can ever move on because I’m alive today because of her and all the good things that happened to me is because of her.

I’m not going to pressurize her into choosing me. I’ll be giving her te freedom to choose what she wants.

But I won’t be able to move on though.

….

Also,

Both the times I fell in love, it just happened, you know?

It kinda clicked and I knew.

I honestly don’t know how that works. But I guess some things you just know.

But with the wrong men, it never felt right. That’s why my heart didn’t break and I moved on easily in a month.

Even if I meet someone just once, it never feels right. Even if we kiss and stuff, it’s like meh.

….

I never expect anything.

I try not to, even though I know Ginny wants to be with me.

Because I always have a nagging feeling at the back of my mind saying I’m not good enough because I have so many problems.

That’s why I speak about insecurities etc so precisely. It’s based on my experiences and feelings.

I just apply my own advices, but I still have those thoughts because I’m a human being too.

I’m literally not God or Jesus. People just say things.

I’m like everyone else.

Just a bit different.

Since I got to know Ginny wants to be with me, the feeling of not being good enough has tuned down to a really low volume that it’s almost not present.

But sometimes it does come up.

Also, I have this new feelings of hope and wanting to settle down.

Living with her.

So I’m like waiting and ready to take that leap of faith.

….

Whenever you go through a break, you need to think things through in your mind and try to rationalise it.

Was it really love or was it just a toxic mistake that I move on from?

Your feelings should stop the minute you come to the rational conclusion that it was a toxic mistake, not love and not what I’m looking for.

It’s called self respect and self love.

You need to love and respect yourself enough to understand the fact that that person did not treat me right and this isn’t what I want.

Irrespective of the fact of who broke up with whom.

If it was genuine love.

I would say, take your time to heal your heart.

….

Also,

When I’m on a date.

I think,

Do I like this person?

Not, I want this person to like me.

Be confident in your skin and enjoy your solitude.

So much so that, unless it’s a yessssss you won’t be ready to compromise your alone time.

Because you are okay without it.

….

When I’m on a date with someone I love, I’m literally so stupid and lame.

Also, I’m more of a friend.

Because I want my partner to be my bestfriend.

….