rachana rajan <3

1.04AM.

I’ve been awake since an hour because there is a stupid mosquito in my room, troubling me.

So I switched on my fairy lights and I’ve been laying on the bed awake with my mind wandering.

I remembered the first Australian customer I spoke to at Askaban.

I read a quote somewhere which goes something like, “A stranger still remembers you because you were kind to them.”

And he was.

I was wearing my batman pullover that day. My mind wasn’t developed. I couldn’t frame a single sentence.

He was an old man and I remember I said to him in whatever english I knew back then, this is my first call and he said goodluck and he empathized with me, even though I sucked at my job.

I still remember some of the customers whom I spoke to, who were extremely kind, friendly and empathetic.

Speaking to them for 4 years formed a foundation for how I speak, they taught me to speak.

I wasn’t perfect though.

Doing YouTube helped me so much and now I’m here.

Still not perfect but so much better from where I started.

I was thinking about Will, he said to me that I’m special when we started speaking and even after he got married.

He kinda lived up to what he said.

His actions matched his words because he was a damn good friend for couple of years.

I was thinking about Ginny. I’m almost always thinking about Ginny.

When she came to pick me up the first time we met. I sat in her car and I was busy getting comfortable.

She extended her hand towards me to touch my thigh and I said, what are you doing because I didn’t understand what she was going to do.

And that’s when I looked at her for the first time and she started laughing.

I can never forget that, the first time I looked at her and the way she laughs.

It’s imprinted in my memory. It’s like her face is drawn behind my eye lids.

Everytime she smiles, it reaches her eyes and it sparkles like stars.

I can still see it.

All I have to do is close my eyes but why can’t I remember what I had for breakfast yesterday?

She was watching how I met your mother when we were dating and I said to her jokingly, I’m Robin and you’re Ted.

I never imagined even for a second how real that was going to be in the future.

I said to her I’m kinda like mother too. That turned out true as well.

When I kissed her at the restaurant, her eyes were extra round when she looked at me.

On the first day we took a picture.

After taking the picture I said to her I don’t look good and she immediately kept her hand on my thigh and made an empathetic expression and her eyes went soft.

These are a few things that I think about.

She would remind me so much of Nick from heartstopper because there was literally nothing toxic about her.

I see myself as Charlie, so she was Nick.

She was literally so sweet. She would drop me home each time even though I live so far away.

There are so many tiny memories this way that’s so close to me.

When we went to social and I was carrying that stupid gel because we were planning to do it.

The person at the door who checked my bag took it out and read it.

Ginny got embarrassed and turned red on her face.

She was smiling this cute shy embarrassed smile.

My heart exploded in fireworks.

She dropped me home that night and we were sitting outside my apartment.

I was almost blacking out because of health issue but I didn’t tell her that.

I was trying to stop my medicine that week and I was blacking out everyday.

We were speaking continuously because it was her birthday and she was in Chennai.

We got so close and we were planning to do it and I wanted to see her so bad.

So I didn’t cancel even though it felt like I was on the verge of dying.

I didn’t want to tell her because if I did, she would have asked me to rest.

But I didn’t want to rest because I missed her so much.

So I was almost blacking out when we were outside my apartment at night and she wanted to kiss me but I couldn’t.

My mouth was going dry because of my health and my head was spinning.

All I could do was hug her and hold her hand and stuff like that.

My heart was beating so fast and we had a moment.

It wasn’t the right time to say, I think I’m going to die.

So I didn’t.

When I think back to that day, my heart starts beating fast.

I don’t really remember the pain.

There are so many tiny things that I remember.

It’s like reels doomscroll when I dream about it.

I keep dreaming about meeting her again and start crying.

She is so beautiful and smart. She has a beautiful soul too.

I love how smart she is.

I’m just a mush on this bed.

I can’t.

I love sitting in her car and looking at her with AR Rahman music in the background.

Those were the only times we were alone. Otherwise we were always pub hopping.

When she would look at me, I would look away.

I miss that.

I don’t know. I miss her so much.

I went through so much in life and nothing really matters or even occupies my mind so much.

Thinking about her is a wave that washes over all those memories and pain and it’s almost not even there.

Love heals me.

The feelings I have for her fills me up from my heart to all over inside me and it doesn’t hurt.

All I have to do is close my eyes and I see her.

And I’m okay again.

It’s like magic.