I’m already extremely stressed out waiting this way in this double life with no answers.
On top of that my family adds to the trauma.
Father is angry 247 and dysfunctional.
He makes a big fuss about turning on the lights every single day.
If I turn on one light in the bedroom it’s too dim, so I have to turn on both the lights for proper clarity.
Every single time father steps into the bedroom he looks at both the lights with an angry expression and while leaving the room he turns off the light.
I’ve asked him not to turn off the light since we moved here years ago.
I must have said it a million times by now and he does it even now.
He just doesn’t change his ways.
If I call out his dysfunctional habits, he looks at me with an angry expression.
He fucks me up mentally every single day.
He sneezes without covering his mouth even now.
He’s never going to change.
Mother is another type of dysfunctional.
She is better than father.
She is thankfully not doing anything much these days.
Sister keeps triggering me by saying negative comments like I’ll never get my money etc.
When I respond to her triggering comments, she ghosts me.
Even if I call, she doesn’t pick up.
…
I no longer want to live in this house.
After everything that I went through with them.
It’s extremely hard to maintain the peace and live here.
But I have no choice.
I still remember everything that they did, the intentional stabbing, sexual assaults, the world hurting me every single time I reacted to them, the jealousy and trying to silence me.
I remember everything.
I just want some distance from them.
….
I cannot live here anymore.
I’m extremely suicidal.
The contents of my books are still the same.
I don’t know what exactly I’m waiting for and why the world is keeping me in the dark.
I cannot do this.
I’m on the edge of my rope.
Nothing can make me feel better other than moving out.
rachana rajan <3 