Father stamping me with his leg on my stomach with full force cannot be forgotten.
Even if he apologized and I pretend like it didn’t happen.
He has done so many things to me.
The numerous sexual assaults, the domestic abuses, the verbal abuses and the monstrous violent anger.
We pretend like it didn’t happen and we go on living here and try to maintain peace.
Mother keeps bringing it up now and then, I can understand why because what happened to us was beyond barbaric.
She faced ginormous pain and suffering because of father and his family.
After sister got married, she abandoned me with parents.
She never cared even when she was living with us.
She just cares about herself and her life.
Even if I tell her something, she doesn’t really care much.
She doesn’t care about me the way sister’s do.
If she does care, it isn’t enough.
She would pretend that she cares in front of her husband, rest of the time she doesn’t give a flying fuck.
That’s why I used to call her selfish.
She used to say things like,
“I don’t want my children to be like you”
” i don’t want my children to get your height”
“why do you want to get married”
She used to treat me like a burden and worse than a living thing. Almost like a non living thing.
These days she asks me if I want food sometimes.
That’s her way of showing care but it isn’t really enough even now.
Father has changed and we have forgiven him.
But we relapse because what happened to us cannot be buried or swept under the rug.
It cannot be forgotten.
I was thinking why father would do something like, stamping me on my stomach now.
I feel it’s because he doesn’t respect me and mother.
He has zero respect.
Otherwise no one would do such a thing.
I have forgiven but haven’t forgotten.
He is old so I try to maintain the basic love that I have as a family and a human being from a distance.
But I don’t like him most of the time.
I know he has changed and he even said sorry and is repenting for his past behaviour.
So I try to let it go.
And forgive and have grace.
I remember the book by Fredrick backman, the deal of a lifetime.
And it kills my anger.
Sometimes something as silly as turning off the light in the room resurfaces my lifetime of anger.
It isn’t really about the light switch.
rachana rajan <3 