Dear Diary.

I feel I might have anxious avoidant attachment style.

I don’t know.

Ginny is all I want.

There’s no doubt about that.

She’s the one.

But I’m scared.

Maybe it’s because I have never experienced a long term relationship.

All I know is to be a friend.

Men in the past have always left me because they never saw me or cared enough to get to know me.

Not being good enough is the feeling they left behind.

It’s a persistent and quiet voice at the back of my mind.

I think this is why I keep saying I’m okay with no labels.

Because if I’m her girlfriend or wife.

And it doesn’t work out.

It will destroy me beyond repair.

So I say I’m okay with no label to protect myself.

Because I killed my expectations years ago.

I don’t expect.

To quote MJ,

“I always expect disappointment, so that I’ll never be disappointed”.

Also.

I don’t want to scare her away by saying how I truly feel.

I don’t want to say,

“I cannot live without you. There’s no one else for me. I don’t want anyone else.”

Even if it’s the truth.

Because it’s all so delicate.

And too soon?

She must be scared too.

Another reason for being okay with no labels is something that I have already said.

She wanted something casual all those years ago when we last met.

But I didn’t.

After things ended with her.

There were so many men who wanted a relationship and to marry me.

But it didn’t feel right.

Because I saw her every time I closed my eyes.

I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

I kept thinking I’d rather have a label-less relationship with Ginny,

than marry these people.

So this is another reason.

At this point.

I don’t care about labels or anything for that matter.

I just want to see her again and be with her all the time and sit on her lap and hug her.

She’s all I want.

Always and forever.