rachana rajan <3

I do not hate my parents. I already said I’ve forgiven them. I wrote about what happened to clear things that I do not have anger issues, that’s it. As I said before, I expect them to move on and start a new life. I expect them to not taunt me again. They are old…

I respectfully request people to stop interfering in my life to this extent and stop exploiting me. Please give me space and privacy. This is basic human right. I’ve already spoken about everything, there’s absolutely nothing left to say. Please for the love of God, respect my privacy. Also, I will create content once I…

I clearly explained that I do not have any anger issues in my previous blog. Please do not make me repeat myself.

This is a response for what I see online. Please don’t make me repeat the same thing again. There is/was nothing wrong with my perception. I have never needed medication. People sabotaged my relationship and my life, this reality is not going to change. Please take accountability for it and don’t manipulate ways out of…

People need to accept the fact that they sabotaged my relationship and my life. They are continuing to sabotage what is left by invading in my personal conversations. People need to understand that invading in my space and privacy without my consent is wrong. When I say someone did something, you have to believe me…

This is a reminder that I’m waiting for my direct credit and recognition. Till then I’m being selfish with my content. Also, I request people to stop reading my personal messages. Invading in my privacy is wrong, please understand this and put an end to it.

Please help me. I want to move out. I’m desperate. Please.

There are so many similarities between Maddy’s mother in Everything, Everything and my parents. That book is exactly my story. Every single thing about that book is exactly my story. The resemblance is uncanny.

I feel the world is trying to fix things between Ginny and I? I’m not sure. I want to move out before that. Please give me money to move out. It’s taking superhuman strength every minute of every day. Please give that to me first. I do care about my parents, I feel I would…

My heart hurts. My tongue hurts at the corner. (idk what happened) All I can think about is kissing her eyes. Her memories are like never ending reels doom scroll everytime I close my eyes. There is AR Rahman music playing somewhere in the background always. I’m so sleepy. Goodnight. ⭐

Please give me money to move out.

I think it had to happen the way it happened and wouldn’t have happened any other way. I was so angry about losing Ginny and kept thinking I will never forgive. That’s why I was able to write what I wrote and fought relentlessly. Ginny fell in love with me when I was going to…

I think I took it too far with mother few days back. It’s my fault. I was so fucked because of everything that happened. But that’s no excuse. She did the same thing to me. But maybe I shouldn’t do it back because she isn’t resilient as me. I take responsibility and I’m sorry. Also,…

I don’t like the matcha tea at 46 ounces anyway. It wasn’t good. Also, I don’t like the paratha at social. I couldn’t care less if they removed it from the menu.

It is not what mother says that triggers me. It is the intention behind it. She is doing it intentionally. I draw boundary and ask her not to do something and she does it intentionally again and again and again till I break. If she sees something is bothering me. She keeps doing it intentionally.…

I don’t have the peace of mind to process or grieve the heartache because of my parents. Honestly I’m tired of being fucked over by them. I don’t want to be a part of this narrative and keep talking about what they did everyday. I can’t think about dating as well, even if it is…

Mother keeps stabbing me intentionally for a reaction and waits, when she gets it, she thrives and willows in drama and sadness to fuck sympathy. She constantly tries to gains leverage and manipulates, fakes and betrays. She doesn’t like peace and quiet. She will go to any extent to sabotage my peace and life. She…

This is a reminder that I’m waiting for my direct credit, recognition and money. Till that happens I won’t be sharing my thoughts, learnings and content. I won’t be sharing anything more than required and I’m going to be selfish. I’ve already spoken about everything and I don’t think there’s anything left. Continuing to invade…

I went to the place we last met and sat at the exact table and my heart was aching thinking about how I behaved. I wanted a time machine to go back in time and say the right things. Do the right things. And maybe in an other universe I must have and maybe in…

I think even if mom is triggering me intentionally, it is up to me to not react. What she does isn’t in my control but my reaction is. So I should work on my reaction. The problem with me is, with my parents, once it starts it doesn’t end. I’ve gone through so much and…

She is so good and respectful in the way she speaks since day one till the very end. She literally hasn’t done anything for me to dislike her. I love the way she thinks and so many other things, like everything. (I don’t want to say) I don’t know why I’m still thinking about it.…

Now that I think about it this whole threesome thing was a misunderstanding between Ginny and I. I thought she wanted it, she thought I wanted it. I was trying to be okay with it and felt I could do it because I was attracted to few women online. Then the thought kept bothering me.…

Please ignore what I wrote. I’m really fucked up because of things at home and also because I don’t seem to have privacy even on my phone, I don’t really understand why? I’m unable to be happy even if I won. After everything I went through, it’s like idk. I’m just waiting now. For privacy,…

I don’t really talk about Ginny with anyone, I haven’t really said much to my therapist as well. I’ve never spoken much about Will too. I’m kinda like that. I don’t share much about men I love. I like to keep those memories and thoughts to myself. I don’t say more than required. So many…

I don’t have anger issues. What you see on my YouTube is my real personality. Also, I cry a lot. It’s extremely toxic at home. That’s why I’m this way at home. Also, I went through so much torture so I was crazy. I don’t really identify with that person. I’m just trying to forget.…

I’ve already spoken about everything. I don’t see the point of why people still have access to my phone and messages. People need to understand that invading someone’s privacy and space is wrong. I’m not sure what people want from me exactly anymore. I’m not sure what exactly happened as well, tbh. And why I…

My parents don’t care much about me. No matter how much I forgive, love and try to maintain peace, they keep stabbing me for a reaction and distrupting the peace. I’m not sure why and what is the intention behind this. I’m hoping they will stop now atleast after what happened. It’s extremely hard to…

I already placed a boundary two times, asking people not to interfere in things at home. No one in this world can do what I’m doing. Also, I never interfere in someone else’s home. That’s why I said that about Rachel. If she does something again, I’m sorry but I have to cut you off.…

I used to be fucked up like mother until recently. But I did the work and learnt to cope and deal with things, hence I’m able to handle things now. I asked mother many times to take help so that she can work on herself too. But she refused because of the stigma. My parents…

I saw people online intentionally hurting me for what happened at home, which started because mother was stabbing me intentionally for a reaction. Like she has done many times in the past. It got out of hand, yes. I did not see it coming. But it wasn’t my fault. I was on the verge of…

People sabotaged things between Ginny and I. Period. They are continuing to sabotage by interfering in whatever is left. I do not appreciate unsolicited advices on my personal life. I’m sorry, I don’t want to sound mean but please stop. If people still have access to my personal messages, please put an end to it…

Also, you can’t force people to like you or be friends with you and accept you in their close circle. I decide based on the vibe and how they treat me. If it’s not working, people should learn to move on and not force. You should not demonize someone for not liking you back and…

I asked brother in law to sell my dumbbells in OLX when he is free. He was lazy and didn’t want to do it so he said, ask sister. I called sister and she was busy in meeting. So I said to brother in law sister is busy can you please do it when you…

I always get hurt twice, always. The hurt that people cause me and the hurt that the world causes me for my retaliation. I retaliate using the same words that people use to hurt me. If someone asks me what happened like a normal person, they would know this. I’ve spoken about this since day…

Psychotic perfect man (aka Ajesh A) was a maniac. He doesn’t know how to talk or to form a connection with someone. He is a terrible kisser and doesn’t stop kissing even when I stop and turn my face. He kept abusing me constantly and kept pointing out everything that he thought was wrong with…

After meeting almost hundred men after Ginny, who wanted commitment, marriage and all those green flag stuff, I realised I couldn’t care less about them. Even if they had a pretty face. I wasn’t able to connect with anyone and I didn’t see it going anywhere too. It didn’t feel right. I didn’t even like…

I know mother really well. If I say something is intentional, you should believe me. When I say someone is doing something, you should believe me. Because I know things.

I don’t understand why Varsha Vinod got offended when I said I don’t like any women in office because I don’t find anyone who is my type. If she is straight, why the fuck does she even care. Also, I said she looks different because of her hair. She is so fucking insecure about herself,…

When I started speaking I considered everyone as my friend and smiled waved etc. I didn’t understand the conventional way. But after a while I grew up and made friends organically. But they never reciprocated the same efforts. I was becoming normal but I was pushed down by the world. After that, I was crazy…

Every person I casually talk to is not my friend. Friend is a valuable word for me and I don’t give it away just like that. Sometimes the vibe is off, please don’t force interactions and force me to rebuild connections. If I cared the connection would happen organically. Also, I’m not interested in talking…

I was in the same state as mother was 2 days ago almost my entire fucking life. I don’t know why people are choosing to be blindsided about my hurt. I’ve said every single thing that happened and I don’t even get a fucking sorry.

If you see me hurting someone verbally, please ask me what did that person do. Because in my 33 years of life, I’ve never hurt anyone intentionally. Also, I’m always direct. When I hate someone I directly say I hate you to their face. When I like someone, I directly say I like you. When…

I don’t trust my parents blindly and my body is always on alert because of them. My life is on full stop right now waiting for my money. Even if some miracle happens and Ginny comes back, I can’t sustain it. As long as I’m in this house, my life is on full stop. Even…

You need to believe me when I say this, mother is a sympathy fucker with fucked up values. She thrives on sadness. Father was a barbaric caveman. They have kinda changed but not completely. They need to work on themselves a lot. When I say they are doing something intentionally, you need to believe me.…

I was on the verge of dying many many times my entire life because of people around me and my parents. Exactly like what happened to mother two days ago. I was in the same state as mother couple of weeks ago because of mother’s torture. I’ve been working on myself constantly so I’m able…

I continuously thought about what Ginny said and tried to make sense of it. But I couldn’t. I felt it must it must be a misunderstanding and wanted to ask her when we meet and let it go. But it’s too late now. Also, I kinda fucked it up when we were dating because I…

My manager at Ministry, Sana, calls me back to back 3 times if he has something to say, even if I’m on an other call. So I do the same to him. My laptop broke, so I called him back to back three times. Just like what he does. … During that time, When Ginny…

Every hurtful word I’ve said to someone is a retaliation for what they said/did to me or what I went through because of them. I have never hurt anyone intentionally in my life. I take accountability for abusing, but they are well deserving of it. Sometimes people are fuck ups and they do things intentionally.…

Own your fuck up and take accountability.

I’ve spoken about everything and I have taken accountability for my mistakes. People need to own their fuck up too not turn around their barbaric narrow minded attrocity at me. What the actual fuck man. Whoever is responsible bloody own your fuck up. I faced the consequences of people’s wrong choices, evilness, narrow mindedness, mistakes,…

A lot of people fucked up. A lot of people. People need to learn to own their shit and take accountability for sabotaging my life. People need to understand what they did was wrong, masochistic, barbaric and attrocious. Don’t turn it around on me.

Everything that happened to me is because people lacked the empathy and understanding to sit down with me and ask me “what happened” like a normal person. It’s because Voldemort was evil and he fabricated the truth. It’s because people were barbaric and lacked the ability to understand and talk like a normal person. It’s…

I was extremely suicidal and on the verge of dying couple of weeks ago because mother tortured me. Mother did the same thing two days ago. I said the things she said to me back to her and she completely lost it. Exactly how I was couple of weeks ago. When I was on the…

Now that mother got the taste of her own words, I’m hoping she learnt her lesson and she won’t intentionally stab me again. I don’t expect parents to change though. I’m tired of being fucked over by them again and again and again. I don’t trust them.

So many people fucked up. So many. There were so many power clashes. So many people tried to silence me and wanted me dead, time and time again. Because they didn’t want the truth to be out. I can’t work anymore because my life is sabotaged. People don’t know how to behave around me and…

“I don’t start shit but I can tell you how it ends” – Taylor Swift✨

I’m not talking about anyone in my fanfics it’s purely a work of fiction. I’m just helping people and empathizing and stuff. If you are taking personal meaning, please see Dumbledore. He will give you “magic medicine” and say you are alive today because of him and take credit for your reselience and courage. He…

I wasn’t trying to show off that I’m strong. I falsely assessed the situation thinking mother will be able to handle it. Anyway, I’m just going to be silent henceforth.

I’m not trying to put father down or make him look bad. I’m just trying to make him understand what’s going wrong so that he can work on himself and change. I don’t think he will do it again considering how mother is right now. But I just want him to be self aware. Also,…

Yesterday mother gave tea with sugar to father and he started abusing and shouting asking her to take it away. After mother hurt herself yesterday, I started panicking and said immediately I’m calling the ambulance and father started boiling and came swiftly towards me to throw the phone from my hand. Mother kept saying she…

I’m already successful, but my success isn’t given to me. My family and I are suffering living in this tiny apartment without money when I’ve already made the money to live a comfortable life. There are so many problems living together, when I’ve already made the money to place some distance between us. The whole…

Mother isn’t as strong as me. I can handle the things she does to me but she broke when I did the same to her. She hurt her head in the midst of all this. I no longer want to fight with them again. I have let it all go. I’m just going to be…

I’m going to share only the clarifications like this. There is going to be nothing else from me till I receive direct credit and recognition for my content. I’m going to be selfish henceforth.

I don’t have anger issues. If you lived with my parents your whole life with immense domestic violence and every fucking thing they did to me, you would have reacted much much worse. My sister used to scream at the top of her lungs every single day when she used to live with us. Whatever…

Please put an end to my suffering. I cannot live in this house with parents anymore. It’s really really hard. I just can’t do this anymore. Please give me my money. I’m tired of feeling suicidal almost everyday. I don’t know what I’m waiting for. I’m already fucking successful. I’ve already said and cleared everything.…

I don’t know why mother is desperate to make me shout. She is so fucking desperate to get a reaction out of me. She has been constantly doing this since a long time now. I’m tired to be honest. She keeps ruining my peace. I don’t know whom she is trying to help by doing…

Mother and father has been continuously stabbing me since years to make me shout and get a reaction out of me. Mother told me today that they did that because they wanted me to die. To my dismay, they still continue to do it even now. They are extremely desperate to make it look like…

The concept of platonic love, friendship, hugs, smiles is lost on people. Everything isn’t sexual man. People I knew suck. They found it easier to blame things on me because I’m different instead of accepting what kinda fuck up they are. I bloody faced the consequences of people’s wrong choices, narrow mindedness, mistakes, lack of…

I think people call me a cat because cats stare. I honestly don’t know what started this. During school, after I started getting lost in my world, people around me ceased to exist. Honestly I didn’t know there were people around me. I was busy in my world, doing homework, studying, watching TV, talking to…

Lockhart even said things like, “I love your smile” and “I would love to meet you” last year to rekindle. The audacity man, I wanted to slap him and throw eggs on his head, bloody fake filthy motherfucker. .. Dumbledore making a mistake wasn’t wrong but he manipulated the truth instead of accepting he fucked…

I can’t talk freely to Ginny as long as people are still interfering in whatever is left between us. Whatever we had was already sabotaged. Please give me privacy and space at least now. Thank you.

Also, please don’t believe everything you hear about me from others. People always fabricate the truth according to their convenience and image. I’ve spoken about everything as far as I know and remember. So many things have happened in my life, if I have left out something it wasn’t intentional. If anyone wants to know…

If people still have access to my personal messages. Please understand that invading in someone’s personal life is wrong and please put an end to it. I’ve already communicated this, I’m reaffirming my boundary so that the message sinks in. People already sabotaged my life without the basic understanding that I have a bloody life…

Lockhart(aka Anurag Alva) didn’t come between mine and Lucius’s(aka Nida Sebha) friendship, that’s false information. Lucius was never a friend. I was too stupid to understand that. Lucius used to meet me only and only if he needed something from me. He was a negative emotional vampire who would text me only when he was…

I’m not really interested in making a lot of money or anything else. But I’m struggling so much without money and staying with parents is really hard at times even if they have changed. I think I should think about me and be selfish now.

There is not going to be any more content, words of wisdom or learnings from me going forward, till I receive the credit and recognition for it. As far as I know I’ve spoken about everything. I don’t think there’s anything left to say. If I want to clear any misunderstandings or clarify something or…

My body and mind is always on alert when I walk out of the bedroom door and when my parents come inside the bedroom. I’m scared when mother will stab my trauma again for a reaction and when father will stare at my body with a disgusting smile. I don’t know when father will do…

I kinda understand why Ginny didn’t choose me. When we were dating, she did all the right things and said all the right things. But I was a mess. There was honestly so much happening, so much harassments and I was extremely immature and lame back then. I fell in love with her. She had…

Also, I don’t know why people talk to me indirectly and gaslight me and all that shit. I didn’t understand why Ginny was talking to me in contradiction. Saying she loved me indirectly and doesn’t directly, I mean, idk? Also, I don’t know what all those harassment was for. It’s high time people stopped pretending,…

I honestly don’t know why there is intentional typos in the book that I read. And what people are trying to imply. I must have made typos in the past because of the mental torture. Honestly I don’t even remember. I don’t even remember the texts I sent to Voldemort and everyone else all those…

Just talking to her and thinking about her made everything so much better. The pain in my mind and body because of what happened to me started fading and healing. She was the driving force to write this as well. And now things are so much better around me. Even if I don’t have money…

After the last time I met Ginny I was in terrible pain. It felt as though my body part was cut off. I felt she doesn’t like me. I was really stupid to understand what had happened. I wanted the pain to stop, so I started talking to men and going on dates. The only…

If people are reading my personal messages, please understand that it is wrong and put an end to it. I see reels online about things I don’t speak about on social platforms. Please let me be atleast now. I have spoken about every thing, there is nothing left to say. So please understand that it…

Someone needs to take responsibility and accountability for what happened to me and what I went through. There are so many people involved and so many people who did me wrong. I didn’t do shit, I was just minding my own business. If anyone wanted to know something they could have just asked me like…

Also, please stop connecting everything to my childhood. Yes, my childhood was bad. But everything is not because of that. I have social anxiety because of the continuous harassment and torture that I went through and also because every fucking person in this world knows everything fucking thing about me. I’m scared of my safety…

I was in enormous mental pressure so I must have made typos while writing and texting. I don’t remember the things I speak when I’m being tortured. I don’t even know how it started. I don’t even remember half the things I’ve written in this website. I’ve been writing since two years and I don’t…

I’m so tired. I’m not God. I’m a fucking human being. Privacy and space is basic human right. I’ve already spoken about every fucking thing. Please just let me be atleast now.

Also, I don’t need unsolicited advice on my personal life anymore. I’m thankful that people care. But I do not like talking about it to anyone. It was going just fine till it was sabotaged. Please give me space and privacy at least now. Please just let me be.

Also, please give me credit and recognition for my YouTube. My money is over and I’m struggling a lot. Even though I’ve forgiven my parents, it’s really really hard. I’m a fucking human being. I’m asking for my fucking money.

People should understand when they should stop with whatever they are doing and when it has gone beyond the limit for a normal human being to take. I have had a shit life till now, when I didn’t deserve it. Please give me privacy and space at least now, that’s basic human right.

My life was fucking sabotaged when someone could have just asked me what happened like a normal person. I want my space and privacy at least now. Please for the love of God stop.

If people still have access to my messages and my phone, I request you to please just stop. I need my space at least now. Please respect my words and please put an end to this.

I feel after years pass and you keep exposing yourself to new experiences and meet new people and also after you heal, things that happened in the past seem irrelevant. You can let it go and move on from something like abuse, domestic violence, someone sabotaging your life and rape even. With every experience comes…

I don’t think I will fall in love again though. I don’t know why I said all those things. I’m sorry I feel really uncomfortable when my personal life is discussed online. I get really defensive sometimes because I don’t like speaking about it.

It’s really sweet that so many people care. I feel okay now, thank you. I have so much love and respect for Ginny because she is a really good person. It’s just everything about her. I don’t want to talk too much about it because it’s personal. I always want her happiness, with or without…

And in love we find peace and a sense of calmness.

There is so much uncertainty in this world. Will I wake up tomorrow? What will happen tomorrow or even on the way back home today? For all we know there can be a fucking alien invasion tomorrow or our sun might decide to explode (God forbid, but stick with me here, I’m trying to make…

I’m just saying all this from my experience. Please don’t make it a rulebook and blindly follow it. You know better about what you want and what you are looking for. I’m fully aware I’m different and maybe everyone won’t agree with me. You need to decide what works for you and do that. You…

Also, please don’t fall for “I love you”, “I want to marry you” etc etc thinking those are green flags. Men say that to pretty girls all the time. I’ve heard that shit so many times but I’m still single because I don’t fall for it. These are just meaningless words because it doesn’t reflect…

Also, it’s really important that you love yourself and forgive yourself for your mistakes, have grace and make amends for your mistakes before expecting anyone else to do it. You need to enjoy being alone and the solitude. Love your mind and your imperfections. It’s only then you will be able to make the right…

What I feel is even if you don’t change the world or make a difference to this world because maybe not everyone gets to address the world, like the privilege that I have right now. But you can make a difference in the lives of people around you, your society, community and your loved ones.…

What I’m trying to say is, you should be yourself and there will be someone out there who vibes in your frequency and want the things you want. I’ve been continuously talking about my thoughts and views. But this isn’t a rulebook to live by. You should never force yourself to conform and fit inside…

I’m the kinda person who likes being alone. I don’t really crave sex or companionship unless I’m crazy in love. I never feel lonely or bored and thankfully I have my family with me so I’m okay. I don’t crave friendship as well because I’ve never been lucky in that aspect. This is me and…

I think people think I’m Jesus? I’m not sure. This is too much to process. I don’t know how all this happened. I don’t know what to do now and what my life has become. I’m unable to come in terms with all this.

Whenever there is a problem, my mind goes into problem solving mode. I pick at it from different perspectives and different POVs and try to understand what went wrong and where is it going wrong. If I’m unable to understand or find a solution, I keep it aside till I have more insight on the…

I’m not really sure whether it was wrong to hate everyone whom I listed out who hurt me and wish karma on them. It felt right at that time because of the pain I was in because of them and it gave me a sense of relief. I feel, like in Harry Potter, there are…

When I said I’ve let go of my hatred, I meant most of the people I listed out in red underline. But there were some people who were extremely evil and caused so much intentional harm. I’m unable to stop hating them. I think I should not force myself to stop hating them because what…

I watched Deadpool yesterday. It was good. But it kinda bothered me why the villain was called Cassandra because it reminded me of Taylor Swift’s song. I think I’m thinking too much into things. I’m trying to be okay with movies being made about something in my life and people online talking about something I…

I was in enormous pain because of what happened to me and I had all this anger and emotions inside of me that I let loose by writing about it all this while. It was cathartic. Now upon further reflection, growth and understanding, I feel I should just let it go and have grace. I…

I don’t know what exactly happened or how it happened, but I think I get the enormity of the situation I’m in now. Somehow I’m as famous as Michael Jackson. It took me sometime to understand things and come in terms with it because I never wanted this. If the world is thinking of me…

Since we are constantly engaging with people, accidents and misunderstandings are bound to happen. It is very natural. I feel we should never villainize someone over an accident. Bad things happen to good people, that doesn’t make them bad. The situation was as such and it was out of their hands. If you caused an…

If I had succumbed to those bad thoughts all those years ago and acted on it, I would have taken away father’s chance to change, grow and make amends for his past mistakes. I would have taken away his right to live a long and healthy life and have peace. I would have never done…

Why I said all that about overthinking is because so many unfair and alarming things have happened to me in the past. I’ve gone through so so much. You won’t believe how much pain and suffering. Every day was a brutal struggle and I didn’t see an end to it. One day when I was…

I honestly don’t know why I get these reels on my reels tab and what’s wrong with my Instagram algorithm. It’s 3.26AM and I’m unable to sleep. I wish there was someone to talk to about this. I really wish people wake up and realise that we need to come together and join forces to…

Then there are people who are evil and do horrors beyond unimaginable measures. I’ve been seeing so many things online. I honestly don’t get sleep sometimes.

Mistakes. We’ve all made them. Some mistakes are irreversible, there is no going back from there. (I’ve already spoken about it.) Like rape and killing people, assualt. I saw reels were people cry after they make these mistakes and they repent. What I feel about this is, when you know you are going to regret…

I know I’ve used certain words which might be very mean to talk about some people who hurt me. I never think or speak that way. I just want to make it clear, that was a retaliation. They used certain words to me and I’m just giving it back to them. They started it, so…

“There will be no further explanation, there will just be reputation.” – Taylor Swift✨

Whatever happened between Ginny and I is my fault. She was good and right. Also, there was so much harassment happening around me and my health was fucked. This lead to misunderstandings. I don’t dislike her for moving on. As I said before I will always have love and respect for her, she is genuinely…

“How am I suppose to go back to my old life, my days stretching out before me with unending and brutal sameness? How am I supposed to go back to being The Girl Who Reads?” – Maddy. “How can I live the rest of my life in this bubble now that I know all that…

I’ve stopped giving a fuck and it’s working wonderfully. Whenever someone hurts me these days, I give it back to them and take no shit. I’ve stopped feeling guilty for hurting them back because they don’t think twice before hurting me. So why the fuck should I even care? I’ve started to understand people and…

Disclaimer: These fanfics are a work of fiction and there is no resemblance to living or dead. If you are taking personal meaning out of it, it’s your “perception problem” and you should see Dumbledore. He will make you question your own reality and say you’re hearing voices etc. He will give you medicine and…

I’m honestly scared of my safety. Everyone knows I’m lost in my own world mostly. I’ve spoken about so many controversial topics and I have enemies too. Also, I get a lot of attention whenever I go out. I don’t feel safe.

Some things that happened to me was so alarming and unfair. I’m okay now and it doesn’t bother me like it used to anymore, but sometimes suddenly my body starts feeling uneasy and I listen to my angry playlist. After a while I’m okay again. Also, continuing to live with my parents who caused half…

Its hard to live with parents in this close proximity after what they did. They aren’t doing anything now, thankfully. I maintain love and peace daily and practice compassion because I want peace at home. Even if I have forgiven them, sometimes I just can’t be with them because my memories are still there. I…

Whenever I see someone pretty these days, I immediately remember Ginny and I think her girlfriend would be pretty like that person. That thought is followed by I’m not good enough for Ginny. I’m trying my best not to do that. I’m confident and secure but I don’t know what happens to me when I…

My parents aren’t doing anything these days. I maintain love and peace at home and thankfully they are reciprocating it. I don’t trust them blindly though because of the past experiences and I’ve placed a healthy boundary. It’s upto them to gain my trust again. I have forgiven them and I do have love and…

I want recognition, credit and money for my content and hard work. Please stop exploiting me like an animal. I don’t know what I’m waiting for.

I grew up watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S but I didn’t really have any real time experience talking to people. When I started talking to people, I considered everyone as my best friends and behaved how Chandler or Rachel would behave. I always copy what my favorite fictional characters do. I always compliment and find good in people,…

I know I repeat myself sometimes, that’s because some things that has happened bothers me deeply and it’s cathartic to write here. Also, you are reading my diary entries with your own free will, so you shouldn’t technically complain. When people realise how greatly and long some things they do impacts someone, they’ll probably think…

Just because I don’t like something doesn’t make it bad or loose it’s value. I still haven’t watched Game of Thrones because it has violence. The whole world has watched it but I don’t want to. Just because I haven’t watched it, doesn’t mean it looses it’s value and prominence. This is what I have…

I want my credit, recognition and money for my hard work. Please stop exploiting me like an animal. I honestly don’t know what people are waiting for.

Whenever I go out, really terrifying looking women ogle at my cleavage with a disgusting expression on their face and eyes bulging out of their skull. Even if I’m wearing a cardigan their eyes always goes exactly at my cleavage. Even terrifying creepy men stare at me. I honestly get a lot of attention whenever…

If anyone else was in my place and experienced everything that my parents did to me their whole life. They would have reacted much worse to what my parents are doing. Also, they wouldn’t have forgiven them. What I’m doing and behaving is exceptionally good. No one in this world can do what I’m doing.…

My money is over. I don’t have money even to buy pad. This is the right time to give me my credit, recognition and money. I cannot work in a corporate because people sabotaged my life and the public don’t know how to behave around me. They don’t know how to keep things professional and…

I have always been clear when I speak after I learnt how to speak, sometimes I don’t know where the misunderstanding lies. I clearly said, I love Rachel “platonically”. But still Rachel bent down and showed the camera her boobs. Why? Even I don’t know. I clearly expressed multiple times I’m not attracted to women…

The worst part is Dhruv was not even a friend. He doesn’t even know the meaning of friendship. He was just there for the highs and the only thing he used to do was talk about sexual topics and ogle at my body. During my lows he would disappear. He needs to work on himself…

If anything were to happen to me before I write a legal will, please do these things. I want my parents to receive money to repay the home loan. After their demise I want the house to go to UN Charity. That’s it. Everything else should go to United Nations charity and I want them…

My parents are not doing anything these days. I wish they continue to maintain peace. I don’t really have any complains as long as they are peaceful. I forgave them long back. They are old now and I want to maintain the love and peace, I wish they continue to reciprocate it.

I get scared when I travel alone in cab and even when I’m alone in bus or an elevator with someone. I used to freak out before but now I do it inspite of being scared. My heart starts racing and I try to relax and tell myself things are different now, what happened in…

So many unfair things have happened to me. I randomly remember it sometimes and I don’t know, I get angry. I listen to karma by Taylor Swift twice and try to calm down. The intensity of my anger has reduced drastically now. It’s manageable now because I understand the world now and I have learnt…

Want to hear a joke? Teni Thomas has a dedicated time in the night where he sexts his ex and they exchange nudes. I hope his wife knows this. (Khaleesi, “lol”.)

Whenever I remember Dhruv blaming me for liking him I start getting so angry. I get the ick and I feel like throwing up when I remember his ugly lizard face with bulging eyes ogling at my body with a disgusting expression and drool dripping down his mouth. I have rejected so many hot men…

On the other hand, I want credit and recognition. I don’t wish to be gaslighted ever again. I want to be treated with convention for my hard work and my content. I’m tired of being under the invisiblity cloak. So I think I can handle the attention.

This is my boundary. I hope I’m being extremely clear. I’m sweet and gentle but if you are going to hurt me even after setting my boundary, you will face the consequences. The old Harry is dead.

If people are not ready to listen to my request, I will be taking actions for gaslighting me. Gaslighting is harassment and betrayal. PERIOD. I’m most definitely going to hurt the person back, just as much.

Only the people whom I speak to, could you please have some compassion and not gaslight me. Please I’m slowly deteriorating. Please I beg you. Just be silent but don’t gaslight. Everyone else can continue what they are doing. Please?

I’m not capable of handling fame and the enormity of this. I will definitely die if this becomes direct. I can’t pursue a job as well because people don’t know how to behave around me. I can’t talk to people because gaslighting fucks me up badly. I don’t know what I should do. Please come…

It was my mistake, honestly. I was an empathetic person who didn’t know to say no, didn’t know boundary, didn’t have self respect and self love. So I used to a attract egoistic psychotic maniacs. Now I’ve learnt life, that’s why they aren’t in my life.

If I ever made the mistake of asking them to stop. They would look at me like a bull ready to attack and shout and keep me under their foot.

Tayenjam was so fucking broken, she always had a psychotic contorted expression. She used to call me 50 times back to back to trauma dump. Even if I was on another call. If I ever disconnect her call she used to badly shout. She used to call me and use me only for her trauma…

Honestly, even therapists can’t help you sort your shit, you need to do that yourself. They can only guide you. I feel therapists should be allowed to draw healthy boundaries whenever someone uses them as a doormat to trauma dump each time, like how my so called psychotic friends did to me. They are also…

On behalf of all the content creators and establishments, I’m making this extremely clear. We only want love and our focus is to build a community. No one is begging you to consume our content. If you are going to be mean, take your mean ass to the therapist’s office, we are genuinely not interested.

If you are so previliged that you didn’t live in the slum with immense domestic violence and you don’t go in trauma when you read about it. Again good for you. Please learn to grow up and respect people’s opinions and choices and inviduality. We aren’t in fucking kindergarten.

If you are so privileged that your father didn’t stare at your body your entire life even after setting boundary millions of times, with the whole world blaming your mind when you talk about it. And you don’t mind reading about it and you love that world. Good for you. Period.

If people are so jobless and silly to attack me for these immature things, even after putting it so delicately, please don’t talk to me. You haven’t seen real problems and suffering.

I was always clear with my words, I honestly don’t know where the misunderstanding lies. I clearly expressed reading books is a personal experience and I DNF books because of personal reasons and not because the book is bad. I clearly praised “Powerless by Lauren Roberts” and said I don’t like the world because of…

I have spoken about so many controversial topics. I’m scared of my safety.

(fanfic) Want to hear a joke? Psycho divorcee’s (Let’s call him Nithin Jayan) brother who is in the middle east constantly drinks alcohol when it is banned and punishable by law in that country. Psycho divorcee has a business where he builds houses. He manipulates the legal papers and it is fraudulent. He sold a…

Just because someone is my uncle, friend, husband, mother, father, sister, brother in law, cousin doesn’t mean I should have unconditional love for them, based on that particular label. What has that person done, for me to love them? What value has that person added in my life, for me to love them? Have they…

Please help me place some distance between me and parents, God. Please put an end to this suffering. I would be able to love and appreciate them better if there is some distance. There is no lesson left for me to learn, the suffering and pain won’t end as long as I’m in this house.…

Sometimes just being in the same house as parents or just looking at them sends me in trauma. Because my memories can’t be erased. Every time I walk out of the bedroom door or when they come inside the bedroom, my heart starts racing and I get scared sometimes. I don’t know when father will…

The whole world knows how much I’m suffering within these four walls. Still I’m not given my money, when I have already made the money to move out. This is extreme cruelty.

Gaslighting is harassment. Period. My mind is weak now. If anyone hurts me by gaslighting me, even after making it extremely clear how much it is affecting me, I’m going to hurt them back. My parents have been stabbing my trauma continuously since childhood and I see no end to it even now. These days…

After everything I’ve been through in life, I don’t know why I’m continuing to suffer like this when I’ve already made the money to move out. The whole world is benefiting out of me and I’m suffering. When I speak about it I’m being gaslighted brutally. This is extremely inhuman and masochistic. I’m being exploited…

Honestly, after everything that parents did, it’s hard to trust what is intentional and what is the truth. I don’t trust anymore neither do they make any effort to gain my trust. I try to be good even after everything because they are old now. I want to give them happiness and love but it…

No matter how much effort I put in to maintain peace, happiness and love at home, my parents never seem to change. Yesterday my mother came inside the bedroom to use the loo. She saw that I was busy and she asked me intentionally if I want milk. She knows very well I don’t drink…

I don’t think Winni ever was a friend. She has never called back when she said she will call. She didn’t drop a message to make up for it as well. She hasn’t done anything to actually say, yes she is my friend. It takes efforts and time for me to consider someone as my…

I’m not completely okay. My throat is fixed now but I still don’t feel good at times. It’s hard to explain. Sometimes in the night I feel weak. I don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s because I’m sleepy? My stamina is not like before too. I work at 75-80 percent energy. My mind…

I’m sorry about being rude. I usually don’t use these words. It’s just that these people caused so much pain, so I’m hurting them back. I don’t find people ugly or speak badly like that. They hurt me so much, it’s like now that I’ve seen their true color, they look ugly to me. It’s…

When I said “uncle and aunties” I was talking only about the people who pointed finger at me and blamed me for liking them, when I obviously didn’t. I’m not talking about anyone else. I hope people have the capability to understand this.

Dumbledore is a fraud, he doesn’t know what he was doing and was just taking a guess the entire time. He intentionally did a lot of manipulations while writing my prescription. He even spoke in a way to make it look like I’m sick because he didn’t want to take accountability for his mistakes. There…

I cannot work with people in an office again because people don’t know how to behave around me. Also, they don’t know how to keep things professional. They always bloody keep interfering in my personal life. I’m not capable of taking up a job as well. My mind isn’t capable of it. They only thing…

The only friend I had, winni, gaslighted me brutally today. She hurt me a lot by doing so. So I cut her off. I’m not affected by it like before. I blocked her and moved on. I have zero tolerance for gaslighting.

After a lifetime of traumatic, heroundous and disgusting experiences. I’ve realised I can never be friends with a man, no matter what his age. My intentions are always pure. I look only for friendship. But men always (when I say always I mean ALWAYS) want to sleep with me. Period. I don’t want to go…

I still get so angry sometimes when I think about chutiya Dhruv. Last year, when the harassment at home, work and online was at its peak, I met Dhruv Jain. Little background, I usually don’t get close to guys because they always make it sexual. I thought Dhruv is harmless and I trusted him. So…

The money I had in my account is over. It’s time to give me my credit, recognition and money. I’m not interested in working for anyone anymore. I have no one to ask money from and I don’t like asking my family. I would really appreciate it if this isn’t prolonged any further.

Also, another thing. If you think calling me ugly, crazy, aunty etc can destroy me, you are fucking stupid. I’ve heard those words and many other words my entire life. I’m immune to them. The only thing that happens is, I loose respect for the person who says it. I let it slide if they…

I never use these words. I’m always kind and good. All these people caused severe intense trauma. I’m just giving it back to them. This is called as “retaliation”. FYI.

Sonu is a leech in the form of psychotic buffalo who kept sucking my blood and energy. She ruined all my good memories of social. Social was my favorite place to go. I feel like punching her, bloody motherfucker. (She caused immense trauma, I’m just giving it back to her. She fucking deserves it.)

It’s just that I don’t want sex. I’m not fucking desperate like the jokers. I’m just making you understand I can easily and effortlessly get it, if I want it and I’m not interested in random uncle and aunties. So please stop jumping and attack the sex addicted jokers and not me. Leave me alone.…

When people realise how fucking easy it is for me to get sex if I want it, people will stop blaming me for liking their disgusting faces. Especially constipated lizards like Dhruv who is so fucking deluded and deprived of love that every single act of kindness and friendship is perceived as flirting. Also, ugly…

I don’t know what was wrong with me before. I don’t know why I couldn’t hate anyone even though they were hurting me brutally. I feel it’s because I didn’t understand what happened. I couldn’t hate Voldemort, Bellatrix, Lucius and other death eaters. I used to always battle my feelings because I struggled to understand…

I know my blogs are a bit on the grumpy side. That’s because it’s my journal entries. I just write things raw, process it and try to understand and find solutions. If you want happy content, you can stick to my YouTube. Ok, goodnight.

But now I’m not helpless anymore. I have learnt things and life, the hard way. I know how the world works now. If anyone gets under my skin, I will destroy them just like how they kill me. I have learnt to be selfish with my selflessness. (Taylor screams, “Who’s afraid of little old me.”…

I was trying my best to clear things and prove my sanity and innocence and my parents kept stabbing my trauma with a knife because they didn’t want that. Also, Dumbledore kept making it look like I’m sick because he didn’t want to accept his fucking mistake. My company kept stabbing me. The world kept…

So many people who have hurt me throughout my life is so inconsequential. They hold no place or value in my life. I don’t even bloody care or think about them. They behave as if I have done them some great injustice when I would be just reacting to their BS. Later I forget about…

Now my feelings for her has calmed down, so I don’t think about her 247. But I still love her.

Even when I was in the auto with Dhruv going to beir library I was thinking about Ginny and missing him. Because that’s the place I met Ginny the last time. I played Lover by Taylor Swift because I was thinking about Ginny. I was feeling weak so I leaned my head on Dhruv’s shoulder…

I don’t know why people assume there is hidden meaning behind my words. When I date someone I clearly say, “let’s watch TV and chill.” But men always bring condom and ask me if I want sex. Every single time. I was always clear and direct with my intention. I don’t understand why everyone assume…

I wish someone had just sat down with me and asked me what happened. My life would have been different. Sometimes this thought keeps repeating in my mind and I cry. I don’t even know what people wanted or what they were doing sometimes. Now somehow everyone knows me and I’m as famous as Michael…

That’s it. I’ve spoken about everything that happened. (Except for couple of things about men I’ve liked, which is personal) Thank you for patiently sticking with me and reading my story. I love you so much. Take care. xx

I was not attracted to Nitish Vijaykumar, varun venugopalan, yadhunandhan, prashant bhat and other boys. Never in a million years. Now that I understand what “I like you” and “I have a crush” means, I feel like banging my head on a wall for all the times I said that to ugly boys. I never…

Sometimes when I remember something that someone did which was unfair, I start getting angry and spiralling. I listen to look what you made me do, karma and other angry songs 5 times on repeat to calm down and heal. I hope my parents don’t think I’m playing it for them.

Tayenjam used to continuously tell me how much she wants to be fingered and how badly she wants sex. She has a whatsapp group with her male colleagues for sexual contents where they exchange porn videos and speak sexual topics. She is a fucking sex addict. So is her father Lucius Malfoy.

Mother has a lot of good qualities too. She should stop fucking sympathy and just be herself and everyone will love her for the good in her. My success is my parents success too. I don’t know why they failed to see it like that. I think they understand it now? I don’t know. There…

Father is good sometimes. He needs to work on himself and change, that’s it. He has changed a lot after my nieces came into our life. He also has a good heart. He is 100 times better than that man naidu in my apartment. If only he could change some more and consciously try. I…

I go into trauma sometimes when I think about mother showing me her breast and smiling at me. Even sister did the same. It was fucking traumatic. I don’t know why I’m the only one explaining myself. They fucking owe me an explanation too. They shouldn’t rely on the world to do the explaining for…

If anyone is interested, I can give a full analysis and explanation on why I rejected the men I mentioned. I have just briefly written on my blog. But please stop calling them “green flags” because they fucking aren’t. I know what I’m doing.

I never find or call anyone ugly. I’m giving them the trauma that they gave me. I’m always so sweet and good, I never deserved this shit.

The author who called me an ugly gargoyle looks like a constipated lizard. I’m so much hotter than her and also a better person because I will never hurt someone who has always said good things about me and my work. I have just let go of what Emily Henry did. I’ve said nothing but…

Remember I told you about a woman who switched seat at social, I forgot to tell you she looked like a constipated aunty. The man who switched seat at dyu art cafe looked like an ugly uncle. I don’t know what people think they look like. Anusha Patil indirectly taunted me saying she wasn’t surprised…

Sometimes I get angry when I think about Voldemort. If she was a good person, my life would have been completely different. I was never bloody interested in her ex or her. They aren’t even my type. I don’t even bloody find them attractive. I wasn’t even interested in anyone for years. If she had…

You should see the way some women and men stare at my body when I step out. They ogle with their eyes bulging out of their skull. It’s kinda scary when you think about it. I honestly don’t feel safe with women too. I get a lot of attention whenever I go out. I don’t…

I still can’t consider winni as my friend. As I told you, I called her when I was feeling low couple of days ago and said I’m not feeling good. She said she will call back but she didn’t. She just talks to me when I go to the pub where she works and say…

I know I’m being mean. But trust me, that filthy ass wipe deserves every word. It’s strange how its always the inconsequential disgusting people who cause the most harm. I mean, I’m always good and friendly to people. But people who I don’t even think about and care about attack me out of no where…

Sometimes I get so angry when I think about what Dhruv Jain did. If I want sex, I can easily get an hot man to fuck me at any given moment. I can also make him do whatever the fuck I want him to do. I don’t need an ugly pervert boy who looks like…

Today I got ready and opened the bedroom door and father started looking if I came out with the corner of his eyes. When I walked towards the door, he turned his head 90 degrees to stare at me. I’m in the bus now. I’m feeling traumatized and trying to calm down. No matter how…

(fanfic from Harry’s POV) Sometimes I start getting angry when I remember Rahuul Rishav calling me to his apartment and kissing me without my consent. I was extremely sick because my throat was fucked. I was not even bloody interested in him, honestly I think he looks like an ugly uncle. He was under the…

I didn’t know to hate up until few years ago. Because of that, I used to be fucked up and sad. But now that I understand things, I’ve started to hate people. It’s like the world taught me to hate. (I think I already told you this, sorry if I’m repeating) Also, I feel it’s…

Want to hear a joke? Anusha Asok told me she is a lesbian and she is not interested in men. Now she is married to a man just for the sake of it. I hope her husband knows this. P.S. I already told you what she did to me. (Khaleesi, “Haha, good one Harry”.)

I was never interested in Mehta. I spoke to him few months ago to take revenge and break him how he broke me. It worked. He deserves it.

My parents have good side to them too. They are not always toxic. I see so much good in them that they fail to see themselves. I just wish they would stop playing games and just change. I want them to work on themselves and live a new life. They are not doing anything now,…

Mehta texted me again. He treated me like shit for so many years (I already told you what he did) and now because he finds me hot, he is begging, desperate and saying he loves me. I hate him to the core of my being. I feel like punching him, the audacity man. I absolutely…

I’m well aware why I’m rejecting men. I have strong reasons to do it. I’m confident on what I want and what I’m looking for. If I marry someone I have to share my house with them, spend time with them constantly and share my bed with them and also my life. This is a…

When I went for crochet workshop at smallworld, there was a girl who attended with me, let’s call her Anna. She was there because of me and my advice. After benefiting out of me, she hurt me by gaslighting me. She is such an ungrateful monster. On top of that, she kept touching my upper…

Mother is a sympathy fucker who is just putting on a show and the world hurts me based on my mother’s charades, that’s the worst part. She will go to any extent to fuck sympathy, to a point where she will not hesitate to sabotage my life. She is extremely toxic and she doesn’t change…

I can’t live in this house anymore. It’s extremely toxic. I want my credit , recognition and money. I can’t wait any longer. I don’t know why the fuck I’m waiting when I’m already successful. The whole world is benefiting out of me when I’m suffering. This is so fucking cruel and inhuman.

Mom keeps asking me to kill her for what she did to me. She keeps saying she is ready to die. But I don’t hate her or father. I will never hurt them like that. I don’t know why I keep shouting that way. I don’t know why I’m unable to let go. It’s really…

I shouldn’t have screamed that way at mom after forgiving her. It is my mistake too. But she hurt me too by the way she reacted. There is honestly so much that I dealt with in life. I’m still living with parents and they never seem to change which makes things so hard.

I’m not myself half the time, it’s extremely toxic. I’m unable to function and be myself half the time. I want to live alone and clear my head. I won’t be able to sustain it even if Ginny comes back as long as I’m living in this house with parents. My priority is to move…

I was extremely suicidal the last three days because of my parents. There were certain points these last three days where I completely lost it. It felt like I was going to fall on the ground dead. I called my therapist continuously during those points and begged her to talk to me for 2 minutes…

I can’t fucking wait any longer. I want my recognition, credit and money. I’m done waiting. I’m being exploited like an animal.

What I’m being put through is cruel and inhuman. I want my money. The whole world is benefiting out of me and I’m suffering. This is so fucking cruel. I don’t know what people are waiting for. I want my money, recognition and credit.

Everyone are benefiting out of me and I’m suffering and suicidal almost everyday. I’m being exploited like an animal. I want my fucking recognition, credit and money.

I can’t live with my parents anymore. Everything they did is catching up to me and I’m drowning. I shouted at mother and she started playing games and started talking as if I’m sick and put on a charade. I took my phone and walked out of the house. I can’t go back. I can’t…

Please give me my money. Please I’m desperate. I’m suffering so much. Please. I cannot live in this house anymore. Please.

Please give me my money. I can’t live with my parents anymore. I’m suicidal and suffering too much. Please. I cant live in this house. Please give me my money.

Dudley saw me as a threat when I started talking to her friend, so she spread false rumours about me to cut me out of the picture. Till then things were fine between us. Everything is making sense now. Also, I told you about everything else she did. I’m pretty sure she is fucking her…

I have an uncle, let’s call him, sivadas. During childhood when I used to put money inside my piggy bank and collect money to buy something. The money was always missing because my uncle used to take it without asking, every single time. He did it continuously for many years. Also, I told you about…

Please God I want to place some distance between me and my family. Please give me my money. Please put an end to this suffering. I’m being exploited so ruthlessly it is cruel. I don’t function half the time. I feel suicidal half of the time. Please give me my money. I beg you.

One day after I came back home after my walk, father opened the door. His eyes moved to my chest immediately with a disgusting smile and he looked at my body from my chest to legs smiling and he just stood there at the door, instead of letting me in. I was in trauma and…

The man at the reception at California burrito stared at my chest when I went to pay the bill. This happened two times. Also, random women in the bus ogle at my chest. Random women keeps ogling at my legs too when I go out. Women stare at my body equally as men when I…

I don’t know why I’m being put through this inhuman torture after everything that I have faced in my life. Please put an end to this and give me my credit, recognition and money. Even God won’t forgive this attrocity.

Mother is diabolical and extremely desperate to fuck sympathy. She will go to any extent to do it. She doesn’t care about hurting me or sabotaging my life. She is a messed up woman with messed up principles.

Father has stared ruthlessly at my body my entire adult life with a disgusting smile on his face and I have confronted him my entire life. If a person knows how much their actions are affecting me and causing trauma and suicidal thoughts, a normal good person will change their behaviour. But father continuously stares…

Everyone in this world is benefiting out of me and taking credit for my words and ideas, when I’m suffering and suicidal. I’m being exploited like an animal. I want my fucking money and recognition. What I’m being put through is so cruel, masochistic and inhuman.

I’m already successful, I don’t know why I’m begging for my own money. This is cruelty.

Mother thrives and excels at being sad and stewing rasam and drama. You should believe me when I say it is intentional because I know her and her diabolical smile extremely well. She is extremely desperate to fuck sympathy, I’m afraid. I can’t help her. Father is his own kinda strange because I’ve confronted him…

Also, whatever father is doing, only he knows what he is doing. I’m going to just let it be for now and focus on my well being. It is high time I got the credit, recognition and money. After a lifetime of pain and suffering, watching me continue to suffer like this is inhuman. God…

I can decide to forgive my parents and love them. I can decide that I will forget everything they did and start fresh. I can decide that I will leave the past to rest. I can decide all those things and be clear in my intention. But the truth of the matter is, I can…

I want my money, please just give it to me. I’m tired of suffering almost every day. I’m tired of feeling suicidal. I’m exhausted and fucking tired of being exploited so brutally. Please just give me my money. The money I have left is getting over too. Please put an end to this cruelty.

Tayenjam kept asking me to send bikini pictures of keerthana. After I sent her, she showed it to her male colleagues and then started telling me what she did and how her male colleagues reacted to the picture. Then Tayenjam started saying she looks fuckable and started lusting on her. After that when she met…

There is no lesson left for me to learn. My parents are never going to change just like how the sky is never going to turn green. As long as I’m staying in this house with them, I’m going to continue to suffer till the end of time. Please stop being so cruel and give…

It’s masochistic and cruel to not give me my own money and watch me suffer like this everyday.

After everything my parents did, it’s really hard to understand what is real and what’s not. Because as I said, it’s like the boy who cried wolf. So doubting their integrity is normal. My trust in them keeps wavering because they never change. Also, sometimes I remember the past when my favorite author villainized me…

After I set boundary, mother villanized me. I confronted her and father about what happened and what they did and what they have been doing my whole life. I’ve reached the end of my rope. The money that I have is getting over too. It’s time I got credit for my work so that I…

2 days ago when I was writing and busy, mother kept repeating the same question to me multiple times inspite of saying no once. I explained to my mother not to talk to me when I’m busy because she is breaking my chain of thoughts and I tend to forget what I’m thinking. I repeated…

Everything that went wrong between Ginny and I is my fault. I just didn’t understand it. She was always right and good. I’m trying not to self blame and have compassion towards myself because I didn’t know a lot of things before and I have difficulty understanding the social norms, I’m still learning. Just the…

Tame* I meant to say tame, not untamed. Like in the little prince. Sorry. There are so many typos. I don’t think I can correct them all, but this is important.

I want to be mad at someone, pick a fight and shout at them. But there is no one to blame. No one did anything wrong. She didn’t do anything wrong to hate her. She has always been wonderful, kind, amazing and so fucking good. I can’t be mad at my parents too, what did…

There might have been men who were consistent, reliable and ready to commit and all those good qualities, that some people might term as “green flags”, who wanted to be with me. But what people fail to see is that, those men have fucked up values, some were psychotic, they don’t have the ability to…

I don’t know if I’m special to her as she is to me? She has had so many experiences but she is the only good thing that’s happened to me. I don’t know if I mean as much to her as she does to me? I think I do because of what she sent me…

I miss Ginny so much. I keep crying when I’m alone because I think about her so much. I know I should stop thinking about her if it is making me cry but I don’t do it intentionally. Thinking about her is like breathing, it is so unconscious and always there. I feel it in…

My parents are good these days. They don’t really do anything to hurt me and I’m glad things at home is (are?) finally good. They are always busy with my nieces. I’m forever grateful that God blessed us with them. They are the glue that holds us together and the ocean of happiness when we…

On behalf of the entire book community, I want to request you to please update the Goodreads app and make it more user friendly. Booktubers have been making videos on this. It would be great if you could take in all the inputs. It would be much appreciated because I love using Goodreads.

I regret a lot of things in life. I regret smiling at strangers when I was young because my intention was just to be friends but I guess that was misunderstood as something else by the world. I regret continuing to love people when they were breaking me to pieces. I regret faking and lying…

I’m not placing any meaning behind my words. I’m telling you what happened and how it made me feel. Whatever father’s intention might be to continue with what he is doing, no matter how many times I confront him, only he knows. So I just listen to music and hope that someday I can be…

Today I was sitting on the beanbag in the bedroom and listening to music. I’m wearing shorts and a tee shirt. Mother came inside to use the bathroom and after she was done she called father inside. After he came inside, he turned his head completely to look at my legs. His eyes was exactly…

I feel an impending sadness when I think about my parents growing old. I want to give them a comfortable life for the rest of their lives. Also, not hurt them again and get hurt, by placing some distance between us. I feel extremely overwhelmed with sadness when I think about tomorrow because tomorrow is…

I started making sense of the word “betrayal” after watching Anti-Hero by Taylor Swift. Till then, I’m not proud to admit, I didn’t know what it means. I was so stupid that I continued to love people who betrayed me till then. I was so fucking stupid all my life. I struggled to understand things…

I would have gone my whole life thinking something is wrong with me if I hadn’t met Will. I had feelings for Lockhart before that. But they weren’t real feelings. I was extremely immature to understand what it was, there was no connection and I didn’t really think and feel beyond kissing him. I think…

I shouted at my parents today. I feel awful. I feel awful that I’m unable to let go of the past. I feel awful that I speak badly about them. But I don’t know how else to say what happened. But it happened in the past and it’s not happening right now. That’s what they…

I realize now that the only time I had sex was abusive and toxic. The psycho divorcee kept assaulting me in bed. I remember saying no each time before he fingered me with his dirty fingernailed fingers. He did it again and again even though I said no to it. I had sex with him…

Sometimes I still have nightmares about this. Bellatrix used to forcefully remove my clothes and stare at me and touch me when I used to cry. She always had a psychotic manic expression on her face when she used to do this and when she raped me. Her expressions and face was so traumatic. Even…

I had a colleague, let’s call her, Pavithra MC. After I told the managers about the abuse I went through with Karan Panjabi. Pavithra pinged me, “what did you say about Punjabi?” I didn’t respond and she started manipulating my work and what was given to me. She even used to copy the texts I…

Few years ago on my birthday, I invited Tayenjam to meet my other so called friends, Keerthana and Gangotri. After she came, she started talking about my personal life with them (that’s her favorite topic to discuss with people we meet). After they were done dissecting my personal life the entire time and I came…

My life is a stand still right now and I’m waiting for my money, recognition and credit. I don’t want to date or make friends right now because I don’t function half the time. The trauma is not going to leave me completely as long as I’m living in this tiny apartment with my parents.…

(fanfic) People I want to punch on the face and throw eggs and cow dung at. People who used my helplessness for ulterior motives.

My parents aren’t doing anything these days. Things are fine. I’m mostly peaceful. But unfortunately my memories can’t be erased. Sometimes when I’m watching something, I randomly remember the countless times my mother intentionally tortured me so that I scream and she can fuck sympathy. To make things worse, the world kept hurting me for…

What I have realised after doing this for sometime is, difference in opinion doesn’t really bother me. Few months ago, I expressed a certain color doesn’t suit me and I don’t prefer wearing it because of my anxiety. People started taking personal meaning out of what I said (which might have been an unclear communication…

(fanfic) Harry is sitting under the willow tree with Snape. There is a river flowing next to them. Harry picks up a tiny stone and throws it at the river. The stone skids few times and sinks. Harry, “I keep feeling I’m not good enough. So I pushed her away.” Harry rests his head on…

I’ve already established this boundary in my previous blog. I’m reaffirming it because for some reason people don’t listen to my words and I have repeat myself multiple times. I don’t mean to be rude, but please don’t interfere in things at home.

I was watching Rachel’s vlog today and she sneezed like my father again. I honestly don’t know why she is continuing to do that. Tbh, if anyone else were in my place and experienced everything that my parents did to me, they would have reacted much worse than me and probably wouldn’t have forgiven them.…

What the relationship experts are calling green flag, aren’t really green flag. Because they don’t know anything about those people. I do and that’s why I’m rejecting them. Also, I’ve decided I’m not going to get physical with men I’m not attracted to again because I regret it each time. Intimacy is important factor in…

Whenever she used to call, my parents never gave me any privacy. If I go to the balcony, my parents would come there. I couldn’t talk in the bedroom because I couldn’t lock the door. If I went outside, my mom would follow me there too. I struggled so much and in the end she…

I was overflowing with feelings for Ginny since I met her. It was really hard to stop myself, I just couldn’t. I think I texted too much and every time she texted I showed too much love. I might have come across too strong as well. It’s kinda my fault, I couldn’t control my feelings…

I don’t know why relationship experts are discussing online about my dating life? I’m really thankful that they care. I don’t mean to be rude but I don’t know why I’m at the centre of attention? I’m grateful for it that so many people care about me. But I don’t know how to react?

I know some men showed interest in me and even expressed wanting to be with me. But I’m unable to see a future with them. Because there are certain things in their personality that doesn’t work for me. I have highlighted the main details. There are further more things I do not want to say…

I don’t know if I can handle the whole world talking to me. Please come up with a plan. I’m okay with whatever is happening currently. But I don’t know what will happen if it becomes direct.

I used to text someone, his name is Paul. We have good conversations sometimes. I can’t call him my friend because it’s one sided. If I don’t text him, he never speaks to me. So I stopped talking to him. There was another person, her name is winni, it’s kinda the same with her. It’s…

My parents are old now, I want to give them a good life for the rest of their lives. I’m waiting for my recognition and credit. The money I have left is getting over too. I don’t know why I have to wait for so long?

Except for Ginny, I’ve spoken about everything that happened in my life candidly. You need to understand that people spread false rumours when they don’t want to take accountability for their shit. Because I’m different, public tend to believe the shit that they say. People I knew used me and my helplessness as much as…

(fanfic) People I want to punch on the face and throw eggs and cow dung at. I despise each and every person in this list to the core of my being. Karma is going to hit them back. Mark my words.

Another thought that crosses my mind while reading smut is, I always feel it’s exaggerated because I don’t think it’s humanly possible to feel that way. The limited times I’ve been intimate with men, I’ve either stared at the ceiling or an object or faked it. I always felt something is wrong with me. Hence…

Now that I understand we didn’t have money, everything that happened is slowly making sense. Whatever my parents did is making sense. My father never said no to us and always gave us everything we wanted, I guess that’s why I didn’t know we didn’t have money. Voldemort’s ex kept talking about me and she…

I’m open to meeting someone new. It’s just that, I’m not meeting anyone I want to be with. Also, I feel I should just place dating on hold for now because I’m not in the mindspace to date. As I said, I’m unable to function half the time. I’ll think about it after I move…

( Please refer https://rachanarajan.com/2024/05/10/my-experience-of-koramangala-social-continued/ ) She doesn’t casually touch my lower back, she keeps feeling it. She is a disgusting woman.

My parents are never going to change. Their behaviour is engrained in them. The other day father triggered me and I stood up for myself and he said “stop barking”. He is never going to change. I confronted him and he denied what he said, like he has denied everything he has done to me…

My parents are not doing anything since over a week. So was it all a misunderstanding? I’m not really sure. I’m happy there is harmony at home now. Today I listened to “look what you made me do” in front of my dad and I started to get anxious thinking if he thought I’m playing…

My father can’t keep paying the EMI and take care of the expenses at home for long duration. I’m waiting for my credit, recognition and money. I honestly don’t know why I’m waiting?

(fanfic) People I want to punch on the face and throw eggs and cow dung at.

I was speaking to a man last year on my birthday, let’s call him, sahil acharekar. We met immediately because it was my birthday and I didn’t want to be alone. I was dressed up and happy. My intention was just to be friends. But after we met, he started kissing me. I didn’t stop…

(fanfic) People I want to punch on the face and throw eggs and cow dung at.

Everything is my fault. I let things escalate. I loved them longer than necessary. I cared more than required. I should have cut them off at the first sign of BS. I should have drawn boundaries when I saw a pattern. I should have stood up for myself. I should have said No. I should…

There was a man, let’s call him, Farah Shariff. When his wife was pregnant, he continuously spoke about my boobs and assaulted me on my DM. He kept saying if we both were single we would have hit it off when the truth is I’m not interested in him even if he is the last…

Conductors have sexually assaulted me too. It happened two times where they pressed my breast when I was alone in bus. I was in continuous trauma.

(fanfic) People I want to punch on the face and throw eggs and cow dung at.

(fanfic) People I want to punch on the face and throw eggs and cow dung at. I pray every single day that each one of these people suffer. They are pure evil and they deserve it.

(fanfic) People I want to punch on the face and throw eggs and cow dung at.

(fanfic) People who deserve prison. They are absolutely filthy and disgusting and I pray the absolute worst for them. They are Satan with their masks on and I pray they burn alive in hell for their sins. People I want to punch on the face and throw eggs and cow dung at. I pray Karma…

There are so many spelling and grammatical mistakes in my blogs, it’s painful. I don’t think it’s possible to correct everything. Please ignore them. xx

Tayenjam used to continuously call keerthana, nikita, rosie goho ugly. Everytime she opened her mouth it was to call them ugly or question me about their personal life or to talk about sex.

Mohapatra used to say things like whenever she sees children she feels like killing them. She was evil.

(Please refer https://rachanarajan.com/2024/05/21/toxic-friends-continued-15/ ) Tayenjam was diabolical, she used to never say she wants to come to indiranagar. She used to make me go till Koramangala and then say let’s go to indiranagar, always. She did this so many times.

When I went to get my “always” tattoo the tattoo artist taunted me saying it’s not perfect. He meant to say I’m not perfect. He had no right to make a personal comment in a professional environment. No matter how much I prove myself, people are always attacking me and hurting me and the worst…

I had a friend, let’s call him Teni Thomas. Things were going good for few years and I even had a platonic crush on him because he was nice to talk to. After few years, every time we spoke, he would bring up sexual topics and I blocked him and got back in touch like…

I got back in touch with Mehta to try and change my mind about him, but regretted immediately. Even if I forgive him for what he did to me, I don’t want him. He keeps repeating my own words back to me every time we text and sometimes in capital letters which is a turn…

I get really overwhelmed by staying with my family. I’m unable to function half the time. I feel physically present but mentally I’m in lunar valleys. I pray everyday to live alone. I do care for my family and nieces but I don’t want to live with them everyday. I don’t think I’m ready to…

Sometimes I feel guilty for speaking the truth about my family and people I know because I feel I’m betraying them. I instantly feel the need to make it easier for my family and make them comfortable. I have to constantly remind myself that they didn’t think about me while they were hurting me. I…

Whenever Tayenjam and I would take selfie, if she sees that I’m looking good in the picture, she starts calling me a bitch and shouting at me and say that she doesn’t want to take pictures.

I get up everyday and try to forget what happened and be good to my parents. I try to go back to how we were before all this started. I don’t know what went wrong with my mom but I don’t think about it anymore and have let it go. I make conversation as much…

Whenever Tayenjam wanted to come to indiranagar, she used to make me go till Kormangala in bus, so that we both could travel together back to indiranagar. She was paranoid of traveling alone in cab. While going back home she used to force me to stay on call with her till she reached home, I…

When Lockhart kept reaching out to me these last few years after I cut him off, he said things like, “your smile is so beautiful and amazing” and kept calling me beautiful again and again. (typical fuck boy move) He asked me to text him and he said things like I would love to meet…

Today is my birthday and I feel suicidal even today. I have had few good days here and there in my life but I have felt suicidal most days. Father stared at my body even today and I wanted to die that second itself. My mother created unnecessary problems in my life even today. They…

a book I might never read or a place that I might never go to* * By book I mean she reads a lot of different genres and like a lot of books, I hardly read. By place I mean, I don’t know if I will ever make enough money to go to Australia and…

I know I can be opinionated. Sometimes I have really strong opinions about books, music, choice of clothing. Also, sometimes I write/speak on impulse and forget that I’m addressing a larger audience and maybe things I’m addressing might be a favorite of someone and it can offend them. The point I’m trying to make is,…

Whenever my father gets angry, he starts boiling and comes running to hit me and my mother and verbally abuse at the same time. .. When my sister was living with us, whenever she was late from college my father would start boiling in anger and verbally abuse and hit my mother every single time.…

My sister was born in the same year my parents got married. After my sister was born, my father’s mother and sister kept abusing my mother saying she was pregnant before she got married. .. When my father was having lunch with my mother and her family, my mother spoke out of turn and my…

Once I was sitting in the hall and taking selfie in my previous house, when I looked up my father was staring at my underarm with a disgusting smile on his face and when I looked down I realised my sleeve was really low and little bit of my boob was showing from below my…

I see everyone standing up for childish things like color, book etc that I dislike. I have addressed so many serious issues, I see majority of people being silent about it. I guess people only stand up for things that’s convenient for them and not things that is right and is clearly being disregarded. thought…

( continuation of the blog https://rachanarajan.com/2023/12/22/reflection/ ) By saying this I’m not saying material wealth is not important. I meant you should not let that define you and your value as a person. If you want a good house and a comfortable car and that is your dream, you should work towards it and focus…

Alot of people at Ministry and people I’ve met need a therapist and behaviour coach. Some even need an exorcist. But they don’t seek help and people like me who come in contact with them get fucked and end up seeking help because I prioritise self care.

I haven’t done anything out of the ordinary at Ministry. My only mistake is I considered people as my good friends when it was never mutual and when they didn’t have good intentions for me. There was a lot of BS that people there did that no one knew about and people only saw my…

I have only retaliated whenever someone did me wrong. I have never in my life hurt anyone intentionally. If someone is so interested in knowing why I say what I say, please just ask me “what happened” before hurting me based on your assumptions. I always get hurt twice. Always. No matter how many times…

I have a mirror in my house which shows me how beautiful I am everyday. I am secure and confident in my skin. Calling someone ugly when they have done nothing to hurt you and only cared about you, shows a reflection of who you are as a person and how ugly your soul is.…

I think I over reacted about the emily henry book and I see where she is coming from now. I take time to understand things. But it was triggering. .. I’m really not sure what happened with Rachel or what went wrong. I’m just going to take a step back and remove myself from the…

Author’s Note. I have this whole story in my mind to hurt the people who hurt me, but I don’t feel like writing it. So I’m just going to let it go. Ministry, the youtuber and the authors were really important to me at one point and I don’t feel like hurting them, even if…

I know it’s wrong to continue to confront my parents about the past because I’m unable to forget it. But it’s so hard because of the close proximity. What happened to me was also not right. Also, everything that keeps happening every time I go out and online. I forgave them finally and things were…

Please don’t awaken the khaleesi in me unless you are ready to face the consequences.

I’m going to hold off my fanfic for sometime, if anyone wants to take back what they did by genuinely meaning it, they can. Everyone makes mistakes and there can be misunderstandings. I always appreciate growth and change. I’m not going to watch/read anyone’s content. You can find your own ways to reach out to…

(Please refer prev blog https://rachanarajan.com/2024/04/29/my-experience-with-men-continued-2/ ) Deepak GS also said that, to get out of the situation at home I should get married and I should get married to him (for the sake of getting married). Tbh, marriage is something you do when you meet someone you love and want to settle down. I’m not…

I respectfully ask people not to point out my reaction to torture and call them my flaws. I didn’t take care of my personal hygiene in the past because of the sexual and mental assaults and the torture. I was crazy because of it, yes I’m fully aware of that. But I’m not anymore and…

People don’t treat me with the respect I deserve when I go somewhere and they are extremely unprofessional and cross my boundaries time and time again. Hence I’ve been taking a stand for myself each time I see something is off and not right. I’m going to continuously do this till people realise that they…

2 years ago I was having nightmares of being raped and spoke to a random therapist. She ignored what I said about the nightmare and rape and continuously spoke about how I should apologise to the people in my past for standing up to their BS for an hour.

Dhruv also keeps looking at my body like a owl and a disgusting expression on his face. I forgot to mention this.

Every single time my father gets angry he takes it out on my mother because it gives him a ego boost. Even if he doesn’t have a control of the situation that is making him angry, he has a control of my mother because he treats her like a doormat. He constantly wants to dominate…

I don’t know how to feel anymore. My own parents were jealous of me and tried their best to bring me down by playing games. They did so many things and fucked me up. Sometimes its overwhelming and gets to me even now. My mother said she did that to see me suffer and die.…

(Please refer https://rachanarajan.com/2024/04/20/my-experience-of-koramangala-social/ ) I feel so suffocated every time I go there because she clings to me the entire time till I enter the lift. She doesn’t understand space and boundary. When she asks a personal question, I avoid it and say I don’t want to answer, but she keeps repeating the question again…

I always think people are good and treat them as a good friend and share things, when it’s never mutual. Most of the time, they don’t have good intentions and don’t know the meaning of friendship. The solution is to be careful on whom to trust. I always allow people to dump their trauma on…

I’ve noticed a pattern in my behaviour and I feel this is what I’m doing wrong. I continue to love people even after they hurt me and because I do this, their guilt makes them feel I taunt them indirectly (which I don’t) and they intentionally hurt me again and again, till I break. So…

I always clearly mention that I don’t like a book/movie because I’m different, not because the book is bad. I try to forget a lot of things that happened to me by not thinking about it and when I come across such topics in book/movie/news I go into trauma. So I try my best to…

Whenever my father gets angry he shouts at my mother and stamps on her and keeps her under his foot like a doormat, even when it’s not her fault. He says things like, “you go to the kitchen, you belong in the kitchen.” He is always demeaning her with his words. This is the malayali…

Writing about something to do with my life is fine. But it should be done delicately, not in such a crude and triggering way. Also, when I have expressed my love for their work since the beginning, this feels like a personal attack. I honestly don’t know what to say or think anymore. I’m offended…

Khaleesi says to Harry, “Let me take over from here, babe.” Taylor Swift sings, “The world moves on another day another drama, drama, not for me, not for me, all I think about is karma.” TO BE CONTINUED.

It all started with Rachel bending down and showing the camera her boobs, I don’t know why she did that and I didn’t over think into it. Later she started calling me ugly. After that I kinda understood what happened and realised that she took personal meaning out of whatever I wrote in my blog…

I had a panic attack last night because I was genuinely good to them and they did this to me, I didn’t see it coming. I’m not sure why people betray me this way when I’m always good to them. What they said didn’t affect me at all because I know I’m good and I…

I read the new book of Emily Henry today and honestly, her book felt like a personal attack, so I DNFed it. I have spoken nothing but good about her books till now but if she decides to behave so low, I no longer consider her as my favorite author. I kinda lost my liking…

When I was at 46 ounces few months ago, I turned my head and looked at a woman 2-3 times because she looked like someone I know and I was trying to place her. I was alone so I didn’t tell this to anyone and also, I don’t know what’s happening but I feel people…

There was a person who lived next to my old house, let’s call him Amit Mathew, he was a really disgusting person. Initially it started with us being friends and I was okay with that. He asked me to go with him to the park every day and I would because he was my friend.…