Category: Uncategorized
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Note.
Whatever happened between Ginny and I is my fault. She was good and right. Also, there was so much harassment happening around me and my health was fucked. This lead to misunderstandings. I don’t dislike her for moving on. As I said before I will always have love and respect for her, she is genuinely…
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Stars.
“How am I suppose to go back to my old life, my days stretching out before me with unending and brutal sameness? How am I supposed to go back to being The Girl Who Reads?” – Maddy. “How can I live the rest of my life in this bubble now that I know all that…
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Dear Diary.
I’ve stopped giving a fuck and it’s working wonderfully. Whenever someone hurts me these days, I give it back to them and take no shit. I’ve stopped feeling guilty for hurting them back because they don’t think twice before hurting me. So why the fuck should I even care? I’ve started to understand people and…
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Author’s Note.
Disclaimer: These fanfics are a work of fiction and there is no resemblance to living or dead. If you are taking personal meaning out of it, it’s your “perception problem” and you should see Dumbledore. He will make you question your own reality and say you’re hearing voices etc. He will give you medicine and…
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Dear Diary.
I’m honestly scared of my safety. Everyone knows I’m lost in my own world mostly. I’ve spoken about so many controversial topics and I have enemies too. Also, I get a lot of attention whenever I go out. I don’t feel safe.
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Dear Diary.
Some things that happened to me was so alarming and unfair. I’m okay now and it doesn’t bother me like it used to anymore, but sometimes suddenly my body starts feeling uneasy and I listen to my angry playlist. After a while I’m okay again. Also, continuing to live with my parents who caused half…
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Dear Diary.
Its hard to live with parents in this close proximity after what they did. They aren’t doing anything now, thankfully. I maintain love and peace daily and practice compassion because I want peace at home. Even if I have forgiven them, sometimes I just can’t be with them because my memories are still there. I…
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Dear Diary.
Whenever I see someone pretty these days, I immediately remember Ginny and I think her girlfriend would be pretty like that person. That thought is followed by I’m not good enough for Ginny. I’m trying my best not to do that. I’m confident and secure but I don’t know what happens to me when I…
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Dear Diary.
My parents aren’t doing anything these days. I maintain love and peace at home and thankfully they are reciprocating it. I don’t trust them blindly though because of the past experiences and I’ve placed a healthy boundary. It’s upto them to gain my trust again. I have forgiven them and I do have love and…
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Note.
I want recognition, credit and money for my content and hard work. Please stop exploiting me like an animal. I don’t know what I’m waiting for.
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Dear Diary.
I grew up watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S but I didn’t really have any real time experience talking to people. When I started talking to people, I considered everyone as my best friends and behaved how Chandler or Rachel would behave. I always copy what my favorite fictional characters do. I always compliment and find good in people,…
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Dear Diary.
I know I repeat myself sometimes, that’s because some things that has happened bothers me deeply and it’s cathartic to write here. Also, you are reading my diary entries with your own free will, so you shouldn’t technically complain. When people realise how greatly and long some things they do impacts someone, they’ll probably think…
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Dear Diary.
Just because I don’t like something doesn’t make it bad or loose it’s value. I still haven’t watched Game of Thrones because it has violence. The whole world has watched it but I don’t want to. Just because I haven’t watched it, doesn’t mean it looses it’s value and prominence. This is what I have…
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Note.
I want my credit, recognition and money for my hard work. Please stop exploiting me like an animal. I honestly don’t know what people are waiting for.
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Note.
Whenever I go out, really terrifying looking women ogle at my cleavage with a disgusting expression on their face and eyes bulging out of their skull. Even if I’m wearing a cardigan their eyes always goes exactly at my cleavage. Even terrifying creepy men stare at me. I honestly get a lot of attention whenever…
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Note.
If anyone else was in my place and experienced everything that my parents did to me their whole life. They would have reacted much worse to what my parents are doing. Also, they wouldn’t have forgiven them. What I’m doing and behaving is exceptionally good. No one in this world can do what I’m doing.…
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Note to YouTube.
My money is over. I don’t have money even to buy pad. This is the right time to give me my credit, recognition and money. I cannot work in a corporate because people sabotaged my life and the public don’t know how to behave around me. They don’t know how to keep things professional and…
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Dear Diary.
I have always been clear when I speak after I learnt how to speak, sometimes I don’t know where the misunderstanding lies. I clearly said, I love Rachel “platonically”. But still Rachel bent down and showed the camera her boobs. Why? Even I don’t know. I clearly expressed multiple times I’m not attracted to women…
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Dear Diary.
The worst part is Dhruv was not even a friend. He doesn’t even know the meaning of friendship. He was just there for the highs and the only thing he used to do was talk about sexual topics and ogle at my body. During my lows he would disappear. He needs to work on himself…
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My Will (final)
If anything were to happen to me before I write a legal will, please do these things. I want my parents to receive money to repay the home loan. After their demise I want the house to go to UN Charity. That’s it. Everything else should go to United Nations charity and I want them…
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Dear Diary.
My parents are not doing anything these days. I wish they continue to maintain peace. I don’t really have any complains as long as they are peaceful. I forgave them long back. They are old now and I want to maintain the love and peace, I wish they continue to reciprocate it.
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Dear Diary.
I get scared when I travel alone in cab and even when I’m alone in bus or an elevator with someone. I used to freak out before but now I do it inspite of being scared. My heart starts racing and I try to relax and tell myself things are different now, what happened in…
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Dear Diary.
So many unfair things have happened to me. I randomly remember it sometimes and I don’t know, I get angry. I listen to karma by Taylor Swift twice and try to calm down. The intensity of my anger has reduced drastically now. It’s manageable now because I understand the world now and I have learnt…
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Joke of the day.
Want to hear a joke? Teni Thomas has a dedicated time in the night where he sexts his ex and they exchange nudes. I hope his wife knows this. (Khaleesi, “lol”.)
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Dear Diary.
Whenever I remember Dhruv blaming me for liking him I start getting so angry. I get the ick and I feel like throwing up when I remember his ugly lizard face with bulging eyes ogling at my body with a disgusting expression and drool dripping down his mouth. I have rejected so many hot men…
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Dear Diary.
On the other hand, I want credit and recognition. I don’t wish to be gaslighted ever again. I want to be treated with convention for my hard work and my content. I’m tired of being under the invisiblity cloak. So I think I can handle the attention.
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Dear Diary.
This is my boundary. I hope I’m being extremely clear. I’m sweet and gentle but if you are going to hurt me even after setting my boundary, you will face the consequences. The old Harry is dead.
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Dear Diary.
If people are not ready to listen to my request, I will be taking actions for gaslighting me. Gaslighting is harassment and betrayal. PERIOD. I’m most definitely going to hurt the person back, just as much.
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Note to Public.
Only the people whom I speak to, could you please have some compassion and not gaslight me. Please I’m slowly deteriorating. Please I beg you. Just be silent but don’t gaslight. Everyone else can continue what they are doing. Please?
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Dear Diary.
I’m not capable of handling fame and the enormity of this. I will definitely die if this becomes direct. I can’t pursue a job as well because people don’t know how to behave around me. I can’t talk to people because gaslighting fucks me up badly. I don’t know what I should do. Please come…
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Dear Diary.
It was my mistake, honestly. I was an empathetic person who didn’t know to say no, didn’t know boundary, didn’t have self respect and self love. So I used to a attract egoistic psychotic maniacs. Now I’ve learnt life, that’s why they aren’t in my life.
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Dear diary.
If I ever made the mistake of asking them to stop. They would look at me like a bull ready to attack and shout and keep me under their foot.
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Dear Diary.
Tayenjam was so fucking broken, she always had a psychotic contorted expression. She used to call me 50 times back to back to trauma dump. Even if I was on another call. If I ever disconnect her call she used to badly shout. She used to call me and use me only for her trauma…
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Note to Public.
Honestly, even therapists can’t help you sort your shit, you need to do that yourself. They can only guide you. I feel therapists should be allowed to draw healthy boundaries whenever someone uses them as a doormat to trauma dump each time, like how my so called psychotic friends did to me. They are also…
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Note to public.
On behalf of all the content creators and establishments, I’m making this extremely clear. We only want love and our focus is to build a community. No one is begging you to consume our content. If you are going to be mean, take your mean ass to the therapist’s office, we are genuinely not interested.
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Dear Diary.
If you are so previliged that you didn’t live in the slum with immense domestic violence and you don’t go in trauma when you read about it. Again good for you. Please learn to grow up and respect people’s opinions and choices and inviduality. We aren’t in fucking kindergarten.
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Dear Diary.
If you are so privileged that your father didn’t stare at your body your entire life even after setting boundary millions of times, with the whole world blaming your mind when you talk about it. And you don’t mind reading about it and you love that world. Good for you. Period.
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Dear Diary.
If people are so jobless and silly to attack me for these immature things, even after putting it so delicately, please don’t talk to me. You haven’t seen real problems and suffering.
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Dear Diary.
I was always clear with my words, I honestly don’t know where the misunderstanding lies. I clearly expressed reading books is a personal experience and I DNF books because of personal reasons and not because the book is bad. I clearly praised “Powerless by Lauren Roberts” and said I don’t like the world because of…
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Joke of the day.
(fanfic) Want to hear a joke? Psycho divorcee’s (Let’s call him Nithin Jayan) brother who is in the middle east constantly drinks alcohol when it is banned and punishable by law in that country. Psycho divorcee has a business where he builds houses. He manipulates the legal papers and it is fraudulent. He sold a…
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Dear Diary.
Just because someone is my uncle, friend, husband, mother, father, sister, brother in law, cousin doesn’t mean I should have unconditional love for them, based on that particular label. What has that person done, for me to love them? What value has that person added in my life, for me to love them? Have they…
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Dear Diary.
Please help me place some distance between me and parents, God. Please put an end to this suffering. I would be able to love and appreciate them better if there is some distance. There is no lesson left for me to learn, the suffering and pain won’t end as long as I’m in this house.…
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Dear Diary.
Sometimes just being in the same house as parents or just looking at them sends me in trauma. Because my memories can’t be erased. Every time I walk out of the bedroom door or when they come inside the bedroom, my heart starts racing and I get scared sometimes. I don’t know when father will…
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Dear Diary.
The whole world knows how much I’m suffering within these four walls. Still I’m not given my money, when I have already made the money to move out. This is extreme cruelty.
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Dear Diary.
Gaslighting is harassment. Period. My mind is weak now. If anyone hurts me by gaslighting me, even after making it extremely clear how much it is affecting me, I’m going to hurt them back. My parents have been stabbing my trauma continuously since childhood and I see no end to it even now. These days…
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Dear Diary.
After everything I’ve been through in life, I don’t know why I’m continuing to suffer like this when I’ve already made the money to move out. The whole world is benefiting out of me and I’m suffering. When I speak about it I’m being gaslighted brutally. This is extremely inhuman and masochistic. I’m being exploited…
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Dear Diary.
Honestly, after everything that parents did, it’s hard to trust what is intentional and what is the truth. I don’t trust anymore neither do they make any effort to gain my trust. I try to be good even after everything because they are old now. I want to give them happiness and love but it…
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Dear Diary.
No matter how much effort I put in to maintain peace, happiness and love at home, my parents never seem to change. Yesterday my mother came inside the bedroom to use the loo. She saw that I was busy and she asked me intentionally if I want milk. She knows very well I don’t drink…
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Dear Diary.
I don’t think Winni ever was a friend. She has never called back when she said she will call. She didn’t drop a message to make up for it as well. She hasn’t done anything to actually say, yes she is my friend. It takes efforts and time for me to consider someone as my…
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Dear Diary.
I’m not completely okay. My throat is fixed now but I still don’t feel good at times. It’s hard to explain. Sometimes in the night I feel weak. I don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s because I’m sleepy? My stamina is not like before too. I work at 75-80 percent energy. My mind…
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Dear Diary.
I’m sorry about being rude. I usually don’t use these words. It’s just that these people caused so much pain, so I’m hurting them back. I don’t find people ugly or speak badly like that. They hurt me so much, it’s like now that I’ve seen their true color, they look ugly to me. It’s…
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Dear Diary.
When I said “uncle and aunties” I was talking only about the people who pointed finger at me and blamed me for liking them, when I obviously didn’t. I’m not talking about anyone else. I hope people have the capability to understand this.
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Dear Diary.
Dumbledore is a fraud, he doesn’t know what he was doing and was just taking a guess the entire time. He intentionally did a lot of manipulations while writing my prescription. He even spoke in a way to make it look like I’m sick because he didn’t want to take accountability for his mistakes. There…
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Note.
I cannot work with people in an office again because people don’t know how to behave around me. Also, they don’t know how to keep things professional. They always bloody keep interfering in my personal life. I’m not capable of taking up a job as well. My mind isn’t capable of it. They only thing…
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Dear Diary.
The only friend I had, winni, gaslighted me brutally today. She hurt me a lot by doing so. So I cut her off. I’m not affected by it like before. I blocked her and moved on. I have zero tolerance for gaslighting.
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Dear Diary.
After a lifetime of traumatic, heroundous and disgusting experiences. I’ve realised I can never be friends with a man, no matter what his age. My intentions are always pure. I look only for friendship. But men always (when I say always I mean ALWAYS) want to sleep with me. Period. I don’t want to go…
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Dear Diary.
I still get so angry sometimes when I think about chutiya Dhruv. Last year, when the harassment at home, work and online was at its peak, I met Dhruv Jain. Little background, I usually don’t get close to guys because they always make it sexual. I thought Dhruv is harmless and I trusted him. So…
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Note.
The money I had in my account is over. It’s time to give me my credit, recognition and money. I’m not interested in working for anyone anymore. I have no one to ask money from and I don’t like asking my family. I would really appreciate it if this isn’t prolonged any further.
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Dear Diary.
Also, another thing. If you think calling me ugly, crazy, aunty etc can destroy me, you are fucking stupid. I’ve heard those words and many other words my entire life. I’m immune to them. The only thing that happens is, I loose respect for the person who says it. I let it slide if they…
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Dear Diary.
I never use these words. I’m always kind and good. All these people caused severe intense trauma. I’m just giving it back to them. This is called as “retaliation”. FYI.
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Dear Diary.
Sonu is a leech in the form of psychotic buffalo who kept sucking my blood and energy. She ruined all my good memories of social. Social was my favorite place to go. I feel like punching her, bloody motherfucker. (She caused immense trauma, I’m just giving it back to her. She fucking deserves it.)
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Dear Diary.
It’s just that I don’t want sex. I’m not fucking desperate like the jokers. I’m just making you understand I can easily and effortlessly get it, if I want it and I’m not interested in random uncle and aunties. So please stop jumping and attack the sex addicted jokers and not me. Leave me alone.…
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Dear Diary.
When people realise how fucking easy it is for me to get sex if I want it, people will stop blaming me for liking their disgusting faces. Especially constipated lizards like Dhruv who is so fucking deluded and deprived of love that every single act of kindness and friendship is perceived as flirting. Also, ugly…
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Dear Diary.
I don’t know what was wrong with me before. I don’t know why I couldn’t hate anyone even though they were hurting me brutally. I feel it’s because I didn’t understand what happened. I couldn’t hate Voldemort, Bellatrix, Lucius and other death eaters. I used to always battle my feelings because I struggled to understand…
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Note.
I know my blogs are a bit on the grumpy side. That’s because it’s my journal entries. I just write things raw, process it and try to understand and find solutions. If you want happy content, you can stick to my YouTube. Ok, goodnight.
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Dear Diary.
But now I’m not helpless anymore. I have learnt things and life, the hard way. I know how the world works now. If anyone gets under my skin, I will destroy them just like how they kill me. I have learnt to be selfish with my selflessness. (Taylor screams, “Who’s afraid of little old me.”…
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Dear Diary.
I was trying my best to clear things and prove my sanity and innocence and my parents kept stabbing my trauma with a knife because they didn’t want that. Also, Dumbledore kept making it look like I’m sick because he didn’t want to accept his fucking mistake. My company kept stabbing me. The world kept…
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Dear Diary.
So many people who have hurt me throughout my life is so inconsequential. They hold no place or value in my life. I don’t even bloody care or think about them. They behave as if I have done them some great injustice when I would be just reacting to their BS. Later I forget about…
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Dear Diary.
Now my feelings for her has calmed down, so I don’t think about her 247. But I still love her.
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Dear Diary.
Even when I was in the auto with Dhruv going to beir library I was thinking about Ginny and missing him. Because that’s the place I met Ginny the last time. I played Lover by Taylor Swift because I was thinking about Ginny. I was feeling weak so I leaned my head on Dhruv’s shoulder…
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Dear Diary.
I don’t know why people assume there is hidden meaning behind my words. When I date someone I clearly say, “let’s watch TV and chill.” But men always bring condom and ask me if I want sex. Every single time. I was always clear and direct with my intention. I don’t understand why everyone assume…
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Dear Diary.
I wish someone had just sat down with me and asked me what happened. My life would have been different. Sometimes this thought keeps repeating in my mind and I cry. I don’t even know what people wanted or what they were doing sometimes. Now somehow everyone knows me and I’m as famous as Michael…
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Author’s Note.
That’s it. I’ve spoken about everything that happened. (Except for couple of things about men I’ve liked, which is personal) Thank you for patiently sticking with me and reading my story. I love you so much. Take care. xx
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Dear Diary.
I was not attracted to Nitish Vijaykumar, varun venugopalan, yadhunandhan, prashant bhat and other boys. Never in a million years. Now that I understand what “I like you” and “I have a crush” means, I feel like banging my head on a wall for all the times I said that to ugly boys. I never…
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Dear Diary.
Sometimes when I remember something that someone did which was unfair, I start getting angry and spiralling. I listen to look what you made me do, karma and other angry songs 5 times on repeat to calm down and heal. I hope my parents don’t think I’m playing it for them.
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Dear Diary.
Tayenjam used to continuously tell me how much she wants to be fingered and how badly she wants sex. She has a whatsapp group with her male colleagues for sexual contents where they exchange porn videos and speak sexual topics. She is a fucking sex addict. So is her father Lucius Malfoy.
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Dear Diary.
Mother has a lot of good qualities too. She should stop fucking sympathy and just be herself and everyone will love her for the good in her. My success is my parents success too. I don’t know why they failed to see it like that. I think they understand it now? I don’t know. There…
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Dear Diary.
Father is good sometimes. He needs to work on himself and change, that’s it. He has changed a lot after my nieces came into our life. He also has a good heart. He is 100 times better than that man naidu in my apartment. If only he could change some more and consciously try. I…
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Dear Diary.
I go into trauma sometimes when I think about mother showing me her breast and smiling at me. Even sister did the same. It was fucking traumatic. I don’t know why I’m the only one explaining myself. They fucking owe me an explanation too. They shouldn’t rely on the world to do the explaining for…
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Dear Diary.
If anyone is interested, I can give a full analysis and explanation on why I rejected the men I mentioned. I have just briefly written on my blog. But please stop calling them “green flags” because they fucking aren’t. I know what I’m doing.
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Dear Diary.
I never find or call anyone ugly. I’m giving them the trauma that they gave me. I’m always so sweet and good, I never deserved this shit.
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Dear Diary.
The author who called me an ugly gargoyle looks like a constipated lizard. I’m so much hotter than her and also a better person because I will never hurt someone who has always said good things about me and my work. I have just let go of what Emily Henry did. I’ve said nothing but…
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Dear Diary.
Remember I told you about a woman who switched seat at social, I forgot to tell you she looked like a constipated aunty. The man who switched seat at dyu art cafe looked like an ugly uncle. I don’t know what people think they look like. Anusha Patil indirectly taunted me saying she wasn’t surprised…
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Dear Diary.
Sometimes I get angry when I think about Voldemort. If she was a good person, my life would have been completely different. I was never bloody interested in her ex or her. They aren’t even my type. I don’t even bloody find them attractive. I wasn’t even interested in anyone for years. If she had…
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Dear Diary.
You should see the way some women and men stare at my body when I step out. They ogle with their eyes bulging out of their skull. It’s kinda scary when you think about it. I honestly don’t feel safe with women too. I get a lot of attention whenever I go out. I don’t…
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Dear Diary.
I still can’t consider winni as my friend. As I told you, I called her when I was feeling low couple of days ago and said I’m not feeling good. She said she will call back but she didn’t. She just talks to me when I go to the pub where she works and say…
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Dear Diary.
I know I’m being mean. But trust me, that filthy ass wipe deserves every word. It’s strange how its always the inconsequential disgusting people who cause the most harm. I mean, I’m always good and friendly to people. But people who I don’t even think about and care about attack me out of no where…
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Dear Diary.
Sometimes I get so angry when I think about what Dhruv Jain did. If I want sex, I can easily get an hot man to fuck me at any given moment. I can also make him do whatever the fuck I want him to do. I don’t need an ugly pervert boy who looks like…
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Dear Diary.
Today I got ready and opened the bedroom door and father started looking if I came out with the corner of his eyes. When I walked towards the door, he turned his head 90 degrees to stare at me. I’m in the bus now. I’m feeling traumatized and trying to calm down. No matter how…
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Dear Diary.
(fanfic from Harry’s POV) Sometimes I start getting angry when I remember Rahuul Rishav calling me to his apartment and kissing me without my consent. I was extremely sick because my throat was fucked. I was not even bloody interested in him, honestly I think he looks like an ugly uncle. He was under the…
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Dear Diary.
I didn’t know to hate up until few years ago. Because of that, I used to be fucked up and sad. But now that I understand things, I’ve started to hate people. It’s like the world taught me to hate. (I think I already told you this, sorry if I’m repeating) Also, I feel it’s…
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Dear Diary.
Want to hear a joke? Anusha Asok told me she is a lesbian and she is not interested in men. Now she is married to a man just for the sake of it. I hope her husband knows this. P.S. I already told you what she did to me. (Khaleesi, “Haha, good one Harry”.)
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boy IDGAF (continued)
I was never interested in Mehta. I spoke to him few months ago to take revenge and break him how he broke me. It worked. He deserves it.
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Dear Diary.
My parents have good side to them too. They are not always toxic. I see so much good in them that they fail to see themselves. I just wish they would stop playing games and just change. I want them to work on themselves and live a new life. They are not doing anything now,…
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Boy IDGAF (continued)
Mehta texted me again. He treated me like shit for so many years (I already told you what he did) and now because he finds me hot, he is begging, desperate and saying he loves me. I hate him to the core of my being. I feel like punching him, the audacity man. I absolutely…
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Dear Diary.
I’m well aware why I’m rejecting men. I have strong reasons to do it. I’m confident on what I want and what I’m looking for. If I marry someone I have to share my house with them, spend time with them constantly and share my bed with them and also my life. This is a…
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Dear Diary.
When I went for crochet workshop at smallworld, there was a girl who attended with me, let’s call her Anna. She was there because of me and my advice. After benefiting out of me, she hurt me by gaslighting me. She is such an ungrateful monster. On top of that, she kept touching my upper…
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Dear Diary.
Mother is a sympathy fucker who is just putting on a show and the world hurts me based on my mother’s charades, that’s the worst part. She will go to any extent to fuck sympathy, to a point where she will not hesitate to sabotage my life. She is extremely toxic and she doesn’t change…
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Dear Diary.
I can’t live in this house anymore. It’s extremely toxic. I want my credit , recognition and money. I can’t wait any longer. I don’t know why the fuck I’m waiting when I’m already successful. The whole world is benefiting out of me when I’m suffering. This is so fucking cruel and inhuman.
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Dear Diary.
Mom keeps asking me to kill her for what she did to me. She keeps saying she is ready to die. But I don’t hate her or father. I will never hurt them like that. I don’t know why I keep shouting that way. I don’t know why I’m unable to let go. It’s really…
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Dear Diary.
I shouldn’t have screamed that way at mom after forgiving her. It is my mistake too. But she hurt me too by the way she reacted. There is honestly so much that I dealt with in life. I’m still living with parents and they never seem to change which makes things so hard.
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Dear Diary.
I’m not myself half the time, it’s extremely toxic. I’m unable to function and be myself half the time. I want to live alone and clear my head. I won’t be able to sustain it even if Ginny comes back as long as I’m living in this house with parents. My priority is to move…
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Dear Diary.
I was extremely suicidal the last three days because of my parents. There were certain points these last three days where I completely lost it. It felt like I was going to fall on the ground dead. I called my therapist continuously during those points and begged her to talk to me for 2 minutes…
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Note.
I can’t fucking wait any longer. I want my recognition, credit and money. I’m done waiting. I’m being exploited like an animal.
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Note.
What I’m being put through is cruel and inhuman. I want my money. The whole world is benefiting out of me and I’m suffering. This is so fucking cruel. I don’t know what people are waiting for. I want my money, recognition and credit.
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Note.
Everyone are benefiting out of me and I’m suffering and suicidal almost everyday. I’m being exploited like an animal. I want my fucking recognition, credit and money.
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Dear Diary.
I can’t live with my parents anymore. Everything they did is catching up to me and I’m drowning. I shouted at mother and she started playing games and started talking as if I’m sick and put on a charade. I took my phone and walked out of the house. I can’t go back. I can’t…
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Please give me my money. Please I’m desperate. I’m suffering so much. Please. I cannot live in this house anymore. Please.
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Dear Diary.
Please give me my money. I can’t live with my parents anymore. I’m suicidal and suffering too much. Please. I cant live in this house. Please give me my money.
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Toxic friends (continued)
Dudley saw me as a threat when I started talking to her friend, so she spread false rumours about me to cut me out of the picture. Till then things were fine between us. Everything is making sense now. Also, I told you about everything else she did. I’m pretty sure she is fucking her…
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Toxic relatives.
I have an uncle, let’s call him, sivadas. During childhood when I used to put money inside my piggy bank and collect money to buy something. The money was always missing because my uncle used to take it without asking, every single time. He did it continuously for many years. Also, I told you about…
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Dear Diary.
Please God I want to place some distance between me and my family. Please give me my money. Please put an end to this suffering. I’m being exploited so ruthlessly it is cruel. I don’t function half the time. I feel suicidal half of the time. Please give me my money. I beg you.
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Dear Diary.
One day after I came back home after my walk, father opened the door. His eyes moved to my chest immediately with a disgusting smile and he looked at my body from my chest to legs smiling and he just stood there at the door, instead of letting me in. I was in trauma and…
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Dear Diary.
The man at the reception at California burrito stared at my chest when I went to pay the bill. This happened two times. Also, random women in the bus ogle at my chest. Random women keeps ogling at my legs too when I go out. Women stare at my body equally as men when I…
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Dear Diary.
I don’t know why I’m being put through this inhuman torture after everything that I have faced in my life. Please put an end to this and give me my credit, recognition and money. Even God won’t forgive this attrocity.
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Dear Diary.
Mother is diabolical and extremely desperate to fuck sympathy. She will go to any extent to do it. She doesn’t care about hurting me or sabotaging my life. She is a messed up woman with messed up principles.
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Dear Diary.
Father has stared ruthlessly at my body my entire adult life with a disgusting smile on his face and I have confronted him my entire life. If a person knows how much their actions are affecting me and causing trauma and suicidal thoughts, a normal good person will change their behaviour. But father continuously stares…
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Note.
Everyone in this world is benefiting out of me and taking credit for my words and ideas, when I’m suffering and suicidal. I’m being exploited like an animal. I want my fucking money and recognition. What I’m being put through is so cruel, masochistic and inhuman.
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Dear Diary.
Mother thrives and excels at being sad and stewing rasam and drama. You should believe me when I say it is intentional because I know her and her diabolical smile extremely well. She is extremely desperate to fuck sympathy, I’m afraid. I can’t help her. Father is his own kinda strange because I’ve confronted him…
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Dear Diary.
Also, whatever father is doing, only he knows what he is doing. I’m going to just let it be for now and focus on my well being. It is high time I got the credit, recognition and money. After a lifetime of pain and suffering, watching me continue to suffer like this is inhuman. God…
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Dear Diary.
I can decide to forgive my parents and love them. I can decide that I will forget everything they did and start fresh. I can decide that I will leave the past to rest. I can decide all those things and be clear in my intention. But the truth of the matter is, I can…
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Note.
I want my money, please just give it to me. I’m tired of suffering almost every day. I’m tired of feeling suicidal. I’m exhausted and fucking tired of being exploited so brutally. Please just give me my money. The money I have left is getting over too. Please put an end to this cruelty.
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Toxic friends (continued)
Tayenjam kept asking me to send bikini pictures of keerthana. After I sent her, she showed it to her male colleagues and then started telling me what she did and how her male colleagues reacted to the picture. Then Tayenjam started saying she looks fuckable and started lusting on her. After that when she met…
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Note.
There is no lesson left for me to learn. My parents are never going to change just like how the sky is never going to turn green. As long as I’m staying in this house with them, I’m going to continue to suffer till the end of time. Please stop being so cruel and give…
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Note.
It’s masochistic and cruel to not give me my own money and watch me suffer like this everyday.
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Dear Diary.
After everything my parents did, it’s really hard to understand what is real and what’s not. Because as I said, it’s like the boy who cried wolf. So doubting their integrity is normal. My trust in them keeps wavering because they never change. Also, sometimes I remember the past when my favorite author villainized me…
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Dear Diary.
After I set boundary, mother villanized me. I confronted her and father about what happened and what they did and what they have been doing my whole life. I’ve reached the end of my rope. The money that I have is getting over too. It’s time I got credit for my work so that I…
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Dear Diary.
2 days ago when I was writing and busy, mother kept repeating the same question to me multiple times inspite of saying no once. I explained to my mother not to talk to me when I’m busy because she is breaking my chain of thoughts and I tend to forget what I’m thinking. I repeated…
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Dear Diary.
Everything that went wrong between Ginny and I is my fault. I just didn’t understand it. She was always right and good. I’m trying not to self blame and have compassion towards myself because I didn’t know a lot of things before and I have difficulty understanding the social norms, I’m still learning. Just the…
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How did it end?(continued)
Tame* I meant to say tame, not untamed. Like in the little prince. Sorry. There are so many typos. I don’t think I can correct them all, but this is important.
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How did it end?
I want to be mad at someone, pick a fight and shout at them. But there is no one to blame. No one did anything wrong. She didn’t do anything wrong to hate her. She has always been wonderful, kind, amazing and so fucking good. I can’t be mad at my parents too, what did…
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Dear Diary.
There might have been men who were consistent, reliable and ready to commit and all those good qualities, that some people might term as “green flags”, who wanted to be with me. But what people fail to see is that, those men have fucked up values, some were psychotic, they don’t have the ability to…
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Dear Diary.
I don’t know if I’m special to her as she is to me? She has had so many experiences but she is the only good thing that’s happened to me. I don’t know if I mean as much to her as she does to me? I think I do because of what she sent me…
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Dear Diary.
I miss Ginny so much. I keep crying when I’m alone because I think about her so much. I know I should stop thinking about her if it is making me cry but I don’t do it intentionally. Thinking about her is like breathing, it is so unconscious and always there. I feel it in…
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Dear Diary.
My parents are good these days. They don’t really do anything to hurt me and I’m glad things at home is (are?) finally good. They are always busy with my nieces. I’m forever grateful that God blessed us with them. They are the glue that holds us together and the ocean of happiness when we…
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Message to Goodreads team.
On behalf of the entire book community, I want to request you to please update the Goodreads app and make it more user friendly. Booktubers have been making videos on this. It would be great if you could take in all the inputs. It would be much appreciated because I love using Goodreads.
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Regrets.
I regret a lot of things in life. I regret smiling at strangers when I was young because my intention was just to be friends but I guess that was misunderstood as something else by the world. I regret continuing to love people when they were breaking me to pieces. I regret faking and lying…
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Dear Diary.
I’m not placing any meaning behind my words. I’m telling you what happened and how it made me feel. Whatever father’s intention might be to continue with what he is doing, no matter how many times I confront him, only he knows. So I just listen to music and hope that someday I can be…
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Dear Diary.
Today I was sitting on the beanbag in the bedroom and listening to music. I’m wearing shorts and a tee shirt. Mother came inside to use the bathroom and after she was done she called father inside. After he came inside, he turned his head completely to look at my legs. His eyes was exactly…
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Dear Diary.
I feel an impending sadness when I think about my parents growing old. I want to give them a comfortable life for the rest of their lives. Also, not hurt them again and get hurt, by placing some distance between us. I feel extremely overwhelmed with sadness when I think about tomorrow because tomorrow is…
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Meaning of Betray.
I started making sense of the word “betrayal” after watching Anti-Hero by Taylor Swift. Till then, I’m not proud to admit, I didn’t know what it means. I was so stupid that I continued to love people who betrayed me till then. I was so fucking stupid all my life. I struggled to understand things…
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Dear Diary.
I would have gone my whole life thinking something is wrong with me if I hadn’t met Will. I had feelings for Lockhart before that. But they weren’t real feelings. I was extremely immature to understand what it was, there was no connection and I didn’t really think and feel beyond kissing him. I think…
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Dear Diary.
I shouted at my parents today. I feel awful. I feel awful that I’m unable to let go of the past. I feel awful that I speak badly about them. But I don’t know how else to say what happened. But it happened in the past and it’s not happening right now. That’s what they…
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Toxic Relationships (continued)
I realize now that the only time I had sex was abusive and toxic. The psycho divorcee kept assaulting me in bed. I remember saying no each time before he fingered me with his dirty fingernailed fingers. He did it again and again even though I said no to it. I had sex with him…
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Champagne Problems (continued)
Sometimes I still have nightmares about this. Bellatrix used to forcefully remove my clothes and stare at me and touch me when I used to cry. She always had a psychotic manic expression on her face when she used to do this and when she raped me. Her expressions and face was so traumatic. Even…
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Toxic colleagues.
I had a colleague, let’s call her, Pavithra MC. After I told the managers about the abuse I went through with Karan Panjabi. Pavithra pinged me, “what did you say about Punjabi?” I didn’t respond and she started manipulating my work and what was given to me. She even used to copy the texts I…
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Toxic friends (continued)
Few years ago on my birthday, I invited Tayenjam to meet my other so called friends, Keerthana and Gangotri. After she came, she started talking about my personal life with them (that’s her favorite topic to discuss with people we meet). After they were done dissecting my personal life the entire time and I came…
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Dear Diary.
My life is a stand still right now and I’m waiting for my money, recognition and credit. I don’t want to date or make friends right now because I don’t function half the time. The trauma is not going to leave me completely as long as I’m living in this tiny apartment with my parents.…
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List of names in RED underline (continued)
(fanfic) People I want to punch on the face and throw eggs and cow dung at. People who used my helplessness for ulterior motives.
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Dear Diary.
My parents aren’t doing anything these days. Things are fine. I’m mostly peaceful. But unfortunately my memories can’t be erased. Sometimes when I’m watching something, I randomly remember the countless times my mother intentionally tortured me so that I scream and she can fuck sympathy. To make things worse, the world kept hurting me for…
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Dear Diary.
What I have realised after doing this for sometime is, difference in opinion doesn’t really bother me. Few months ago, I expressed a certain color doesn’t suit me and I don’t prefer wearing it because of my anxiety. People started taking personal meaning out of what I said (which might have been an unclear communication…
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The willow.
(fanfic) Harry is sitting under the willow tree with Snape. There is a river flowing next to them. Harry picks up a tiny stone and throws it at the river. The stone skids few times and sinks. Harry, “I keep feeling I’m not good enough. So I pushed her away.” Harry rests his head on…
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Dear Diary.
I’ve already established this boundary in my previous blog. I’m reaffirming it because for some reason people don’t listen to my words and I have repeat myself multiple times. I don’t mean to be rude, but please don’t interfere in things at home.
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Dear Diary.
I was watching Rachel’s vlog today and she sneezed like my father again. I honestly don’t know why she is continuing to do that. Tbh, if anyone else were in my place and experienced everything that my parents did to me, they would have reacted much worse than me and probably wouldn’t have forgiven them.…
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Dear Diary.
What the relationship experts are calling green flag, aren’t really green flag. Because they don’t know anything about those people. I do and that’s why I’m rejecting them. Also, I’ve decided I’m not going to get physical with men I’m not attracted to again because I regret it each time. Intimacy is important factor in…
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Dear Diary.
Whenever she used to call, my parents never gave me any privacy. If I go to the balcony, my parents would come there. I couldn’t talk in the bedroom because I couldn’t lock the door. If I went outside, my mom would follow me there too. I struggled so much and in the end she…
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Dear Diary.
I was overflowing with feelings for Ginny since I met her. It was really hard to stop myself, I just couldn’t. I think I texted too much and every time she texted I showed too much love. I might have come across too strong as well. It’s kinda my fault, I couldn’t control my feelings…
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Dear Diary.
I don’t know why relationship experts are discussing online about my dating life? I’m really thankful that they care. I don’t mean to be rude but I don’t know why I’m at the centre of attention? I’m grateful for it that so many people care about me. But I don’t know how to react?
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Dear Diary.
I know some men showed interest in me and even expressed wanting to be with me. But I’m unable to see a future with them. Because there are certain things in their personality that doesn’t work for me. I have highlighted the main details. There are further more things I do not want to say…
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Note.
I don’t know if I can handle the whole world talking to me. Please come up with a plan. I’m okay with whatever is happening currently. But I don’t know what will happen if it becomes direct.
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Dear Diary.
I used to text someone, his name is Paul. We have good conversations sometimes. I can’t call him my friend because it’s one sided. If I don’t text him, he never speaks to me. So I stopped talking to him. There was another person, her name is winni, it’s kinda the same with her. It’s…
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Note.
My parents are old now, I want to give them a good life for the rest of their lives. I’m waiting for my recognition and credit. The money I have left is getting over too. I don’t know why I have to wait for so long?
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Note to Public.
Except for Ginny, I’ve spoken about everything that happened in my life candidly. You need to understand that people spread false rumours when they don’t want to take accountability for their shit. Because I’m different, public tend to believe the shit that they say. People I knew used me and my helplessness as much as…
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List of names in RED underline (continued)
(fanfic) People I want to punch on the face and throw eggs and cow dung at. I despise each and every person in this list to the core of my being. Karma is going to hit them back. Mark my words.
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Dear Diary.
Another thought that crosses my mind while reading smut is, I always feel it’s exaggerated because I don’t think it’s humanly possible to feel that way. The limited times I’ve been intimate with men, I’ve either stared at the ceiling or an object or faked it. I always felt something is wrong with me. Hence…
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Dear Diary.
Now that I understand we didn’t have money, everything that happened is slowly making sense. Whatever my parents did is making sense. My father never said no to us and always gave us everything we wanted, I guess that’s why I didn’t know we didn’t have money. Voldemort’s ex kept talking about me and she…
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Dear Diary.
I’m open to meeting someone new. It’s just that, I’m not meeting anyone I want to be with. Also, I feel I should just place dating on hold for now because I’m not in the mindspace to date. As I said, I’m unable to function half the time. I’ll think about it after I move…
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My experience with Koramangala social (continued)
( Please refer https://rachanarajan.com/2024/05/10/my-experience-of-koramangala-social-continued/ ) She doesn’t casually touch my lower back, she keeps feeling it. She is a disgusting woman.
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Dear Diary.
My parents are never going to change. Their behaviour is engrained in them. The other day father triggered me and I stood up for myself and he said “stop barking”. He is never going to change. I confronted him and he denied what he said, like he has denied everything he has done to me…
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Dear Diary.
My parents are not doing anything since over a week. So was it all a misunderstanding? I’m not really sure. I’m happy there is harmony at home now. Today I listened to “look what you made me do” in front of my dad and I started to get anxious thinking if he thought I’m playing…
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Reminder.
My father can’t keep paying the EMI and take care of the expenses at home for long duration. I’m waiting for my credit, recognition and money. I honestly don’t know why I’m waiting?
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List of names in RED underline (continued)
(fanfic) People I want to punch on the face and throw eggs and cow dung at.
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My experience with men (continued)
I was speaking to a man last year on my birthday, let’s call him, sahil acharekar. We met immediately because it was my birthday and I didn’t want to be alone. I was dressed up and happy. My intention was just to be friends. But after we met, he started kissing me. I didn’t stop…
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List of names in RED underline (continued)
(fanfic) People I want to punch on the face and throw eggs and cow dung at.
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Hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.
Everything is my fault. I let things escalate. I loved them longer than necessary. I cared more than required. I should have cut them off at the first sign of BS. I should have drawn boundaries when I saw a pattern. I should have stood up for myself. I should have said No. I should…
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My experience with men (continued)
There was a man, let’s call him, Farah Shariff. When his wife was pregnant, he continuously spoke about my boobs and assaulted me on my DM. He kept saying if we both were single we would have hit it off when the truth is I’m not interested in him even if he is the last…
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Somethings I forgot to tell you.
Conductors have sexually assaulted me too. It happened two times where they pressed my breast when I was alone in bus. I was in continuous trauma.
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List of names in RED underline (continued)
(fanfic) People I want to punch on the face and throw eggs and cow dung at.
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List of names in RED underline (continued)
(fanfic) People I want to punch on the face and throw eggs and cow dung at. I pray every single day that each one of these people suffer. They are pure evil and they deserve it.
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List of names in RED underline (continued)
(fanfic) People I want to punch on the face and throw eggs and cow dung at.
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List of names in RED underline.
(fanfic) People who deserve prison. They are absolutely filthy and disgusting and I pray the absolute worst for them. They are Satan with their masks on and I pray they burn alive in hell for their sins. People I want to punch on the face and throw eggs and cow dung at. I pray Karma…
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Note.
There are so many spelling and grammatical mistakes in my blogs, it’s painful. I don’t think it’s possible to correct everything. Please ignore them. xx
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Toxic friends (continued)
Tayenjam used to continuously call keerthana, nikita, rosie goho ugly. Everytime she opened her mouth it was to call them ugly or question me about their personal life or to talk about sex.
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Toxic friends (continued)
Mohapatra used to say things like whenever she sees children she feels like killing them. She was evil.
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Toxic friends (continued)
(Please refer https://rachanarajan.com/2024/05/21/toxic-friends-continued-15/ ) Tayenjam was diabolical, she used to never say she wants to come to indiranagar. She used to make me go till Koramangala and then say let’s go to indiranagar, always. She did this so many times.
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Dear Diary.
When I went to get my “always” tattoo the tattoo artist taunted me saying it’s not perfect. He meant to say I’m not perfect. He had no right to make a personal comment in a professional environment. No matter how much I prove myself, people are always attacking me and hurting me and the worst…
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Toxic friends (continued)
I had a friend, let’s call him Teni Thomas. Things were going good for few years and I even had a platonic crush on him because he was nice to talk to. After few years, every time we spoke, he would bring up sexual topics and I blocked him and got back in touch like…
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My experience with men (continued)
I got back in touch with Mehta to try and change my mind about him, but regretted immediately. Even if I forgive him for what he did to me, I don’t want him. He keeps repeating my own words back to me every time we text and sometimes in capital letters which is a turn…
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Dear Diary.
I get really overwhelmed by staying with my family. I’m unable to function half the time. I feel physically present but mentally I’m in lunar valleys. I pray everyday to live alone. I do care for my family and nieces but I don’t want to live with them everyday. I don’t think I’m ready to…
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Dear Diary.
Sometimes I feel guilty for speaking the truth about my family and people I know because I feel I’m betraying them. I instantly feel the need to make it easier for my family and make them comfortable. I have to constantly remind myself that they didn’t think about me while they were hurting me. I…
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Toxic friends (continued)
Whenever Tayenjam and I would take selfie, if she sees that I’m looking good in the picture, she starts calling me a bitch and shouting at me and say that she doesn’t want to take pictures.
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Dear Diary.
I get up everyday and try to forget what happened and be good to my parents. I try to go back to how we were before all this started. I don’t know what went wrong with my mom but I don’t think about it anymore and have let it go. I make conversation as much…
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Toxic friends (continued)
Whenever Tayenjam wanted to come to indiranagar, she used to make me go till Kormangala in bus, so that we both could travel together back to indiranagar. She was paranoid of traveling alone in cab. While going back home she used to force me to stay on call with her till she reached home, I…
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Somethings I forgot to tell you.
When Lockhart kept reaching out to me these last few years after I cut him off, he said things like, “your smile is so beautiful and amazing” and kept calling me beautiful again and again. (typical fuck boy move) He asked me to text him and he said things like I would love to meet…
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Dear Diary
Today is my birthday and I feel suicidal even today. I have had few good days here and there in my life but I have felt suicidal most days. Father stared at my body even today and I wanted to die that second itself. My mother created unnecessary problems in my life even today. They…
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Dear Diary (continued)
a book I might never read or a place that I might never go to* * By book I mean she reads a lot of different genres and like a lot of books, I hardly read. By place I mean, I don’t know if I will ever make enough money to go to Australia and…
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Dear Diary.
I know I can be opinionated. Sometimes I have really strong opinions about books, music, choice of clothing. Also, sometimes I write/speak on impulse and forget that I’m addressing a larger audience and maybe things I’m addressing might be a favorite of someone and it can offend them. The point I’m trying to make is,…
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Domestic Violence (continued)
Whenever my father gets angry, he starts boiling and comes running to hit me and my mother and verbally abuse at the same time. .. When my sister was living with us, whenever she was late from college my father would start boiling in anger and verbally abuse and hit my mother every single time.…
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Domestic Violence (continued)
My sister was born in the same year my parents got married. After my sister was born, my father’s mother and sister kept abusing my mother saying she was pregnant before she got married. .. When my father was having lunch with my mother and her family, my mother spoke out of turn and my…
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Domestic violence (continued)
Once I was sitting in the hall and taking selfie in my previous house, when I looked up my father was staring at my underarm with a disgusting smile on his face and when I looked down I realised my sleeve was really low and little bit of my boob was showing from below my…
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Note to Public.
I see everyone standing up for childish things like color, book etc that I dislike. I have addressed so many serious issues, I see majority of people being silent about it. I guess people only stand up for things that’s convenient for them and not things that is right and is clearly being disregarded. thought…
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Reflection (continued)
( continuation of the blog https://rachanarajan.com/2023/12/22/reflection/ ) By saying this I’m not saying material wealth is not important. I meant you should not let that define you and your value as a person. If you want a good house and a comfortable car and that is your dream, you should work towards it and focus…
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Note to Public.
Alot of people at Ministry and people I’ve met need a therapist and behaviour coach. Some even need an exorcist. But they don’t seek help and people like me who come in contact with them get fucked and end up seeking help because I prioritise self care.
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Note to Public.
I haven’t done anything out of the ordinary at Ministry. My only mistake is I considered people as my good friends when it was never mutual and when they didn’t have good intentions for me. There was a lot of BS that people there did that no one knew about and people only saw my…
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Note to Public.
I have only retaliated whenever someone did me wrong. I have never in my life hurt anyone intentionally. If someone is so interested in knowing why I say what I say, please just ask me “what happened” before hurting me based on your assumptions. I always get hurt twice. Always. No matter how many times…
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Message to the haters.
I have a mirror in my house which shows me how beautiful I am everyday. I am secure and confident in my skin. Calling someone ugly when they have done nothing to hurt you and only cared about you, shows a reflection of who you are as a person and how ugly your soul is.…
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Dear Diary.
I think I over reacted about the emily henry book and I see where she is coming from now. I take time to understand things. But it was triggering. .. I’m really not sure what happened with Rachel or what went wrong. I’m just going to take a step back and remove myself from the…
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Roar (continued)
Author’s Note. I have this whole story in my mind to hurt the people who hurt me, but I don’t feel like writing it. So I’m just going to let it go. Ministry, the youtuber and the authors were really important to me at one point and I don’t feel like hurting them, even if…
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Self Reflection.
I know it’s wrong to continue to confront my parents about the past because I’m unable to forget it. But it’s so hard because of the close proximity. What happened to me was also not right. Also, everything that keeps happening every time I go out and online. I forgave them finally and things were…
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Note to Public.
Please don’t awaken the khaleesi in me unless you are ready to face the consequences.
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Note to Public.
I’m going to hold off my fanfic for sometime, if anyone wants to take back what they did by genuinely meaning it, they can. Everyone makes mistakes and there can be misunderstandings. I always appreciate growth and change. I’m not going to watch/read anyone’s content. You can find your own ways to reach out to…
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My experience with men (continued)
(Please refer prev blog https://rachanarajan.com/2024/04/29/my-experience-with-men-continued-2/ ) Deepak GS also said that, to get out of the situation at home I should get married and I should get married to him (for the sake of getting married). Tbh, marriage is something you do when you meet someone you love and want to settle down. I’m not…
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Note to Public.
I respectfully ask people not to point out my reaction to torture and call them my flaws. I didn’t take care of my personal hygiene in the past because of the sexual and mental assaults and the torture. I was crazy because of it, yes I’m fully aware of that. But I’m not anymore and…
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Note to Public.
People don’t treat me with the respect I deserve when I go somewhere and they are extremely unprofessional and cross my boundaries time and time again. Hence I’ve been taking a stand for myself each time I see something is off and not right. I’m going to continuously do this till people realise that they…
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Somethings I forgot to tell you.
2 years ago I was having nightmares of being raped and spoke to a random therapist. She ignored what I said about the nightmare and rape and continuously spoke about how I should apologise to the people in my past for standing up to their BS for an hour.
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Toxic friends (continued)
Dhruv also keeps looking at my body like a owl and a disgusting expression on his face. I forgot to mention this.
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Dear Diary.
Every single time my father gets angry he takes it out on my mother because it gives him a ego boost. Even if he doesn’t have a control of the situation that is making him angry, he has a control of my mother because he treats her like a doormat. He constantly wants to dominate…
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Dear Diary.
I don’t know how to feel anymore. My own parents were jealous of me and tried their best to bring me down by playing games. They did so many things and fucked me up. Sometimes its overwhelming and gets to me even now. My mother said she did that to see me suffer and die.…
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My experience of Koramangala social (continued)
(Please refer https://rachanarajan.com/2024/04/20/my-experience-of-koramangala-social/ ) I feel so suffocated every time I go there because she clings to me the entire time till I enter the lift. She doesn’t understand space and boundary. When she asks a personal question, I avoid it and say I don’t want to answer, but she keeps repeating the question again…
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Pattern (continued)
I always think people are good and treat them as a good friend and share things, when it’s never mutual. Most of the time, they don’t have good intentions and don’t know the meaning of friendship. The solution is to be careful on whom to trust. I always allow people to dump their trauma on…
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Pattern.
I’ve noticed a pattern in my behaviour and I feel this is what I’m doing wrong. I continue to love people even after they hurt me and because I do this, their guilt makes them feel I taunt them indirectly (which I don’t) and they intentionally hurt me again and again, till I break. So…
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Dear Diary.
I always clearly mention that I don’t like a book/movie because I’m different, not because the book is bad. I try to forget a lot of things that happened to me by not thinking about it and when I come across such topics in book/movie/news I go into trauma. So I try my best to…
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Dear Diary.
Whenever my father gets angry he shouts at my mother and stamps on her and keeps her under his foot like a doormat, even when it’s not her fault. He says things like, “you go to the kitchen, you belong in the kitchen.” He is always demeaning her with his words. This is the malayali…
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Dear Diary.
Writing about something to do with my life is fine. But it should be done delicately, not in such a crude and triggering way. Also, when I have expressed my love for their work since the beginning, this feels like a personal attack. I honestly don’t know what to say or think anymore. I’m offended…
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Roar
Khaleesi says to Harry, “Let me take over from here, babe.” Taylor Swift sings, “The world moves on another day another drama, drama, not for me, not for me, all I think about is karma.” TO BE CONTINUED.
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Dear Diary.
It all started with Rachel bending down and showing the camera her boobs, I don’t know why she did that and I didn’t over think into it. Later she started calling me ugly. After that I kinda understood what happened and realised that she took personal meaning out of whatever I wrote in my blog…
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Dear Diary.
I had a panic attack last night because I was genuinely good to them and they did this to me, I didn’t see it coming. I’m not sure why people betray me this way when I’m always good to them. What they said didn’t affect me at all because I know I’m good and I…
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Dear Diary.
I read the new book of Emily Henry today and honestly, her book felt like a personal attack, so I DNFed it. I have spoken nothing but good about her books till now but if she decides to behave so low, I no longer consider her as my favorite author. I kinda lost my liking…
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Somethings I forgot to tell you.
When I was at 46 ounces few months ago, I turned my head and looked at a woman 2-3 times because she looked like someone I know and I was trying to place her. I was alone so I didn’t tell this to anyone and also, I don’t know what’s happening but I feel people…
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My experience with men (continued)
There was a person who lived next to my old house, let’s call him Amit Mathew, he was a really disgusting person. Initially it started with us being friends and I was okay with that. He asked me to go with him to the park every day and I would because he was my friend.…
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Toxic friends (continued)
Remember Mohapatra? Whenever she used to watch something traumatic and it use to fuck her up, she used to make me forcefully listen to the story, even if I tried to stop her. She would say she wants me to go through trauma because she went through trauma while watching it, that’s why she is…
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Dear Diary.
My parents have completely changed since past couple of days after I spoke my heart out here. So I guess it was all because of a lot of misunderstanding that they did what they did. They did mess up but I’m not judging them because it happens to the best of us. I messed up…
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Self Intervention cause no one else is there to do it.
I was on the verge of losing it while speaking to my therapist today. I have been sitting with whatever she said since. My life wasn’t easy and sometimes I randomly remember things and I sit in the mud with those thoughts and the mud turns into quick sand sucking me in so deep with…
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My experience with men (continued)
Do you remember Deepak GS? (refer prev blog https://rachanarajan.com/2024/02/05/my-experience-with-men-continued/) He also said things like, we should get married and fall in love after marriage, which tbh is the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard. He wanted to get married just for the sake of getting married. He assumed I was talking to him for his money,…
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Somethings I forgot to tell you.
During my school days dad’s mom passed away, I was taking bath and I told my mom I don’t want to attend the funeral (I’ve never liked funerals since childhood) and my mother took me out while I was naked and started hitting me with a long spoon in front of my aunt. .. While…
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Marriage and sex.
I’m going to be 33 years old and the older I grow I feel so does my maturity. (I’m just putting my thoughts here.) I was like every other person in India and I wanted to get married when I was 29 and I was okay with arrange marriage too. But as the days passed…
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I don’t want to attend a funeral again.
I was forcefully taken to my granny’s funeral because back then I didn’t have a choice. But now I do. I don’t want to attend a funeral ever again. Honestly, I hate what happens in India after someone dies. Initially, it’s everyone sitting in a room and crying followed by burning the body. Later feast…
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Dear Diary.
Sometimes I feel I’m speaking into the void. Because I’ve said and expressed many things and I find myself repeating it again and again, is it because people don’t understand it or they don’t want to understand, I’m not sure? People only see me standing up to shit and they choose to be blindsided about…
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Dear Diary.
There is finally peace at home. My parents aren’t doing anything these days and I’m glad about it. I don’t do anything much these days and I’m happy. I just want to do nothing for few more months. I wish I could live alone while I do that. I crave for space. My parents are…
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Dear Diary.
I listen to “look what you made me do”, “karma” etc everyday and pray every single day that karma should get voldemort, the death eaters and the dementors. I’m not going to do anything but I know for sure God will take care of it because I believe in Him. I’m not consumed by it…
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Toxic colleagues.
There was a person in Ministry, let’s call him Saurabh, he was really disgusting and he would only talk about sexual topics, even to married women. He called me once during covid to complain about all the people who didn’t respond to his messages/calls and other negative topics. So I deleted his number. He continuously…
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Self reflection.
I’m terrified of smart people. People who speak fluently and are extremely smart intimidate me. I never have a smart come back, it takes a lot of work and effort for me to reply to people who do. I usually become tongue tied and forget to speak in such situations. I take a lot of…
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Self reflection.
When something happens sometimes I don’t understand it because I wouldn’t have caused any harm intentionally. But I always think about what happened and where things could have gone wrong and if I did something wrong. Initially I react wrong but as the time passes I feel I get more insight on the situation. For…
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Dear Diary.
There is a set of songs I listen to everyday morning. These songs have nothing to do with my parents. Our house is tiny so I have to play these songs in front of them. I really hope my parents don’t think that I’m playing it for them because I’m not. Even if I was…
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My experience of Koramangala social.
(from Harry’s POV) Zomato is not publishing my review so I’m writing here. I spoke to a waitress there, her name is Sonu and I had the most disgusting experience ever. She has no sense of personal space, I go there with my book but she doesn’t give me space to read. I introduced her…
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Dear Diary.
I’ve never in my life spoken indirectly to anyone. (expect while writing here) Whatever people did and are still doing is not on me because I didn’t ask them to do it. Sometimes I don’t understand why they are continuing to do what they do, like gaslighting and everything because I’m aware of things now…
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Dear Diary.
I honestly despise Voldemort so much. All the misunderstandings in my life was created by her and her evilness and faulty perception. She created this fuck up and it carried on for so many years. I hate the death eaters too. They took advantage of the fuck up and used it for their evil deeds.…
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Dear Diary.
I’m not sure what happened to my mom. Last couple of years we were so close and she was my bestfriend. But since two years we started drifting apart because the current has been so strong. I’m not sure why my parents did what they did. I don’t know why my parents were desperate to…
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Dear Diary.
I really hope my parents stops playing games and hurting me continuously atleast now onwards. I’ve had a very tough life and I have no choice but to live in that house. I really hope they stop what they are doing and learn empathy and compassion. I just want to be. I hope they just…
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Accountability is attractive.
You know what’s attractive? When you confront someone because things have been bothering you and they say, “Yes I did that, I made a mistake and messed up and I know maybe sorry can’t fix it but I’m sorry and I will change because I care about you.” And this is followed by a changed…
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Elephant in the room (continued)
I do understand my mother, so I don’t completely hate her. I just want distance, that’s it. She is just not realising that she should stop trying to fuck sympathy and work on herself and behave maturely. Because maturity is what is valued not what she is doing. I just don’t want to be a…
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Elephant in the room.
My mother doesn’t react to things normally, she reacts dramatically to fuck sympathy. I’m not sure if the reality thing is still happening or if it has stopped because no one tells me anything, but if it is still happening, you need to know this is what my mother is doing. It fucks me up…
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Perception.
I don’t have perception problem. I’m normal and I’ve been normal my whole life. A bunch of evil people not ready to take accountability for their fuck ups doesn’t make my perception faulty.
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Dear Diary.
It’s 2.54AM. I’ve been awake since last three hours trying to think about everything and put my thoughts in order. I’m always a calm and happy person like how I am in my YouTube videos, but when I interact with people, most of the time I get disturbed. Because most people I’ve interacted with suck…
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Dear Diary.
I kept thinking I overreacted and what happened yesterday was my mistake. But the more I think about it, I don’t think it is. My parents have been commenting on my clothes all my life, before they used to hit me, verbally abuse me and my father stares at me when I get dressed and…
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Toxic friends (continued)
You know why I told you the conversation we had? Because I wanted to tell you how people react to confrontation. I confronted all her BS since day 1 to clear things and this is the conversation we had. I’m not sure why people suck at accountability and why they get offended by confrontation, instead…
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Toxic friends (continued)
(from Harry’s POV) Remember I told you about Surya from Ministry? (Refer prev Toxic friends blog) I decided to let go of what she did and called her to talk. I told her what happened in Ministry because I’m a fool and still consider people as my friend. She said, “I didn’t know anything that…
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Toxic friends (continued)
(from Harry’s POV) This is just for my mom to read, everyone else please ignore. I had a friend at ministry, let’s call him rohit. He never calls me or texts me or puts any effort from his end to be friends with me, I’m the one who always texts, calls and makes the effort.…
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Note to readers.
Please ignore me. I’m sorry. I get too overwhelmed and anxious sometimes because of everything I’ve been through. I know I’m being repetitive. Just ignore. Enjoy your weekend. Take care. xx
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Somethings I forgot to tell you.
I used to hate that girl KT, because she was really fake, manipulative and cunning. There was nothing sexual about leaning my head on her shoulder. People would have known if they would have just asked me. I used to hate Pooja Saunshimath too. She was a malicious, cunning and fake person. I didn’t invite…
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Somethings I forgot to tell you.
I’ve just hugged my friends like how Chandler hugs Rachel or Phoebe. I haven’t really done anything out of the ordinary. I’ve seen a lot of series and movies and I know for a fact that’s how people are abroad. I’ve stopped hugging people though after I realised how narrow minded people are here. Sometimes…
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Somethings I forgot to tell you.
Dhruv was a disgusting filthy minded pervert who only talks about sex when he opens his mouth. Also, he keeps turning his BS around and blaming me for things I didn’t do again and again. It is actually my mistake because I should have cut him off in the beginning itself when I got to…
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Somethings I forgot to tell you.
The only thing I did in the past was lean my head on that girl’s shoulder and hold her hand. I didn’t do anything else, if she said I did something else she is just fabricating the truth to frame me. I leaned my head on her shoulder because I was feeling extremely weak because…
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FYI.
I’m 33 years old and I’m an auntie to my two beautiful nieces. I know I’m an auntie and I also know I’m fucking hot. Being called an auntie doesn’t affect me, just an FYI. It might affect people who actually look like aunties and uncles. : )
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Note to Public.
I’ve explained every single thing about what happened and my life here. If people try to spead false things about me, you should be able to understand those are false rumours. People usually spread false rumours when they don’t want to take accountability for their fuck ups. That speaks more about their character and not…
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Spotlight (continued)
People might say, “You are extremely weird, you need help”. But was the help that was given the right kinda help or did it make things 100 times worse? Also, why was I behaving weird? Is it because I’m weird or was it a normal reaction to torture? I didn’t take care of my personal…
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Spotlight (continued)
I’m still talking about this rubbish because I was tortured that many times by people around me without anyone asking me bloody “what happened”. People need to understand their BS clearly. Hence I’m making it extremely clear. If there is BS, I’m going to speak about it because I’m not afraid anymore.
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Spotlight (continued)
My face might have been blank and expressionless because I was tortured continuously and I was trying my best to hold on. I haven’t really stared at anyone with that expressionless face because I was always lost and trying my best to stay alive. When people stare at me like owls when I go out,…
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Spotlight (continued)
In the past I was just in survival mode the entire time because of the assaults, harassments and domestic violence. I was kinda crazy too because of the constant torture. I wasn’t really interested in anyone except for the people I listed out.
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Spotlight (continued)
Everytime I go out, so many men and women keep looking at my cleavage, legs and face without blinking like an owl, but no one does anything to them for that. But just because I’m in the spotlight people make a big deal even if I casually look at people and call me a cat.…
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Note to Public.
There is not going to be any more videos or ideas or words of wisdom from me, till I’m given credit for my hard work. Everyone keeps copying my work and taking credit for my words when I’m treated as invisible. So there is not going to be any content going forward. Only if I…
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Dear Diary.
Do you remember the joker from Ministry? Yes, Mehta. He got back in touch with me (the audacity man) and he used words like love and infinity etc (gag). So anyway, I wasn’t interested and ignored him and he kept texting, so I sent him the song IDGAF by Dua Lipa and blocked him. There…
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The Betrayal (continued)
If Lucius and Lockhart liked each other, that wasn’t wrong but what they did to me to get there certainly was. The evilness, cruelty, fabrications, manipulations, cunningness, gaslighting, fakeness and malicious behaviour was wrong. And their audacity to reach out to me and asking me to meet them again and again and speaking as if…
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Note to Public.
If someone likes a color or book or anything I don’t like, well good for them. It doesn’t affect me or even bother me. Because I clearly start the sentences with “I” and it’s my personal choice and I don’t expect anyone to be like me or like or dislike things I like or dislike.…
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Dear Diary.
I’m tired of feeling used, exploited, helpless, controlled and abused. I’m asking for what I deserve and I worked hard for it. I’m not changing my mind.
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Dear Diary.
I don’t feel safe with women too. I’ve already explained many times that I’m not attracted to women in real life and still women continue to harass me. Imagine you are a straight woman and because of that, every man you meet expects you to like them and harass you, don’t you think that’s ridiculous,…
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Dear Diary.
I still love my parents no matter how messed up they are because I understand them and I know they are trying. Also because I’m not perfect either. I’m a mess too. I always keep them in my prayers and try to help and explain. But I don’t know, we get lost in translation all…
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Dear Diary.
After I dispose the razors that I use to shave my body, my mother collects it from the dustbin and my father uses it to shave his beard. I already fought with them 3 years ago for doing this. I fought with them constantly trying to make them understand how disgusting this is. And today…
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Dear Diary.
(trigger warning) I lost my will to live yesterday after I completely lost it at my parents. But I held on and kept it together. I asked my parents to just forget everything and bought flowers and made a garland for God, went out for walk and slept. I got up at night 3am and…
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Note to Public.
You need to understand that a lot of people I’v spoken to are fake and two faced, including my parents. I don’t know how to fake so I always speak my mind. I don’t cry anymore because I’ve learnt to handle situations without breaking down and I’ve learnt to give back the shit people give…
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Note to Public.
Unfortunately even now everyone just sees me standing up to years of BS and even now no one asks me what happened. I’ve proved myself multiple times but even now people hurt me continuously without talking to me and asking me things. I’m already successful but when I ask for what I deserve because I…
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Note to Public.
I don’t think anyone will plan going through so much pain, harassments and losing the love of their life. Because of this shit I have memory issues, anxiety and constant headaches. I didn’t cry after losing my job because I’m not capable of keeping it anyway. I was thinking of quitting. I don’t know what…
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Note to Public
I cannot relate to mastermind by Taylor Swift. I’m not sure why that song was written or what people want from me to do with it, but I can’t relate to it. Just because I survived shit and I’m still surviving shit doesn’t mean I planned it. I’m honestly fed up of everything. I’m done…
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Dear Diary.
I was feeling suicidal so I confronted my father for staring at my body and my mother attacked me for saying it and blamed me instead of blaming him. I called out their shit today. They have been constantly torturing me since I spoke about the domestic violence because they didn’t want to take accountability…
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It’s okay to hate (continued)
Don’t let it consume you. Also, never ever resort to violence. Focus on yourself and your goals, have fun and enjoy life. Let them take their guilt of hurting you till their death bed.
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It’s okay to hate (continued)
Don’t forgive easily. Let people face the consequences of their words, actions and shit. If you can’t forgive at all, don’t. Just make sure you don’t carry the burden of the hurt, let it go, find peace and indifference towards them.
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It’s okay to hate.
If someone caused severe trauma and betrayed me when I have nothing but loved them, it’s okay to despise them. They don’t deserve my forgiveness, love, care, attention or any of that. I pray karma gets them and then they become non existent to me. I don’t give a fuck about them. I won’t do…
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Apendix.
Songs for the mistakes (they don’t deserve the label exes) Bellatrix Lestrange – Karma, Look what you made me do, Vigilante Shit by Taylor Swift. Gilderoy Lockhart – I forgot that you existed by Taylor Swift Phycho divorcee – Abcdefu by Gayle The guy with the ugly dick – Don’t start now by Dua Lipa…
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Dear Diary.
(from Harry’s POV) Things were a bit unstable because of my mother after I lost my job. I could handle it but my mom made rasam out of the situation as always. As I said before, she is always in a constant battle to gain sympathy and she will go to any extent, I’m afraid.…
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You don’t owe anyone anything (continued)
If you love that person and are willing to make it work, just remember one thing, the effort should be from both ends only then it’s going to work. Otherwise it’s like you are either pushing a huge tree which is rooted in place with your bare hands or you’re going round in circles in…
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You don’t owe anyone anything.
It took me a life time to learn this. If you are friends with someone and they say something inappropriate or hurt you intentionally or does something against what you believe in and your values, there is absolutely nothing wrong in cutting ties with that person. It doesn’t matter even if you have a history…
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Roar (continued)
(fanfic) Harry gets targetted and terminated for no fault of his by Ministry. It didn’t hurt him because he wanted to quit anyway but he is just disappointed at Ministry. Harry, “I lost my job because other people need therapy. I don’t regret my reaction to BS.” Khaleesi, “Is Ministry God Harry?” Harry, “No.” Khaleesi,…
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My parents make rasam out of simple conversations. (continued)
(from Harry’s POV) I don’t know how to say this by sugar coating anymore, but my parents are psychotic and dysfunctional. I can never have a simple conversation with my parents, ever. Every conversation is made into rasam and ends up in fight. I’m not exaggerating, every simple conversation becomes a fight in my family.…
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My parents make rasam out of simple conversations.
(from Harry’s pov) My company has been torturing me since 2 years for something that started because of their mistake. Things have been getting out of hand since a month and I have been feeling suicidal constantly, the reasons being, a) I’m unable to stop my meds because of withdrawal symptoms. b) The constant harassments…
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Spotlight.
(from Harry’s POV) There are so many people out there who do things that might be stranger than me but since I’m in the spotlight I’m targeted, spoken about and things I do are broken down into minuscule pieces. There are so many colleagues who are in the same position without any growth for years…
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Dear Diary.
(from Harry’s POV) No matter how many times or ways I express it, my father’s eyes are always on my body. I’m not talking about the intention but if something is making me uncomfortable, it is valid. I’ve expressed it in many ways since last couple of years now and he still does it and…
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Dear Diary.
(from Harry’s POV) Why do I feel guilty when I hurt someone back after they hurt me? Maybe they deserve what I say because they caused severe trauma and I should not cry when I hurt them. Maybe I should not think about them or even apologize because they didn’t apologize for their harsh words.…
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Note to Public.
(from Harry’s POV) I feel exploited, used, abused and harassed. My life was also ruined because of this. Understand what is being done is wrong and please stop this for the love of God.
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Note to Public.
(from Harry’s POV) Taking videos of someone without their knowledge and consent and then reacting to it online is illegal and inhuman. Reading their personal messages is the same. Just understand that what is happening to me is inhuman and cruel. Everyone has a right to privacy and mine is invaded no matter what the…
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Note to Public (continued)
(from Harry’s POV) I cannot relate to Husn by Anuv Jain in any way. I really don’t know why that edit is overused for me because that’s not what happened. I’m not going to over explain anymore. Please just move on.
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Note to Public.
(from Harry’s POV) If something someone says feels like a personal attack, I’m just going to stop watching their content and unfollow or block. I don’t think I have any unconditional love left in me. I’m kinda tired. I’m human too. As for the people who make fun of me online, I pray to God…
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Spotify is one of the best thing that’s happened to me.
Maybe kids of today’s generation might not understand this. One thing about me is, I’ve always loved music immensely. Growing up when I was living in the cupboard under the stairs, we didn’t have internet but I had a computer and I would load music on it through a borrowed pen drive. That’s when my…
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Roar.
(fanfic) Harry and Khaleesi are sitting in Harry’s room waiting for Ministry’s response. Harry, “Should we do something now?” Khaleesi, “No, let’s wait for their response to make the next move.” There’s fire in their beautiful innocent eyes. Katy Perry sings, “You held me down, but I got up, already brushing off the dust. You…
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The Sorting Hat.
(fanfic) Khaleesi is sitting at 46 ounces eating soup and talking to Sorting Hat. Khaleesi, “Which house do I belong to?” Sorting Hat, “You’ll do good in Slytherin you know?” Khaleesi, “You sure?” There is a rustling noise next to the tree. She looks at her rose gold watch and smiles. It’s the time when…
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Politics at Ministry (continued)
(fanfic) Harry is in his room typing away on his laptop since quite some time now. He is okay now because he has learnt how to give back the shit people gave him and he emotionally stable too (thanks to therapy!!). But there is something missing in his blogs, rather someone. Harry gets up and…
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Politics at Ministry.
(from Harry’s POV) A lot of people did a lot of BS at Ministry. I was harassed since day 1 by my colleagues. I have been constantly harassed 2 years by the company even though I told them I was sick and not in a condition to look for another job. I was constantly harassed…
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Note.
If you like a color or don’t like a color because it suits you or doesn’t suit you, well good for you. It doesn’t really matter to me nor am I going to impose my opinion on you like a toddler. I think that just shows my maturity level.
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Note.
(from harry’s POV) I said I don’t look good in white because it doesn’t suit my face. I don’t know why everyone are wearing that to show me? So childish 😀 I just find it funny because people are behaving like a 2 year old. Grow up and respect people’s opinion and choices.
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Somethings I forgot to tell you.
(from Harry’s POV) After I confronted mom and sis for their BS, they started blaming my perception to escape their shit and mom physically attacked me and I had anxiety for 1 week.
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Somethings I forgot to tell you.
(from Harry’s POV) After I bought the apartment, I went to my sis’s house and told her, looking after our parents is both our responsibility and asked her to send some money to dad every month and she asked me to get out of her house. .. Whenever I’m in the middle of work or…
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Somethings I forgot to tell you.
(from Harry’s POV) During my 11th, a girl from my college pressed my boobs and I was extremely disturbed and re told the incident to my so called school friends and they started laughing. .. During the chaos I was trying to study for the exam and while I was studying, my sister manhandled me…
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Dear Diary.
(from harry’s POV) How do I tell people that if I said I had a crush on someone, it does not mean I still like them and crushes are temporary? I correct my dad when he sneezes like a caveman in our tiny apartment because it disgusts me. It doesn’t mean when I’m watching YouTube…
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Perception problem?
(from Harry’s POV) I don’t know if I have a perception problem. But I do know that a lot of people try to escape the shit that they did to me by blaming my perception. Tbh, everyone in this world has a different perception. Everyone is different with different minds. It’s just because I had…
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Hello? *echo*
(from Harry’s POV) I don’t know if anyone is listening? I really want to make YouTube as my full time job. It makes me feel alive every time I do it. I feel a sense of joy when I do it and write these fanfics. It doesn’t drain me to do this no matter how…
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Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani
(fanfic) Naina has been restless so she tells Kabir everything on her mind. (Ghosted) Few days pass. (She doesn’t remember how many because she has lost track of time) She is walking on the road hugging her arms listening to music on her old school white earphones, the singer is in pain and sings, “You’ll…
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Compromise and finding ways to exist while at it.
(from Harry’s POV) I’m more than familiar with the word compromise (more than you think). From compromising that my chance to a normal life was ruined to compromising each day every day staying with my family. But I try to make the best out of it by living in my world, which tbh is my…
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Where it all started.
(from Harry’s POV) I went to the Krishna temple on my parents birthday, the place where my love for God started. However broken my parents were in their young age, it was mostly because we didn’t come from money and lived in a small space as small as the cupboard under the stairs, they believed…
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Author’s Note.
Let’s pretend that the last few blogs didn’t happen (I’ve deleted them). Take care. Love you. Rach : )
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Author’s Note. (edited)
I’m about to play my ace. If you’re taking personal meaning out of my fanfics, which is a work of fiction, then you’re delusional my friend because you don’t have any “proof”, my dear Dumbledore can confirm it for you. Aaand checkmate. : )
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Somethings I forgot to tell you.
(from Harry’s POV) Few years ago when the domestic violence was at it’s peak, I said to James and Lily, “I want to die because I cannot take your torture anymore” and James said, “please die”.
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Somethings I forgot to tell you.
(from Harry’s POV) .. During my high school, one of my classmate committed suicide. All of us were upset and crying and one of my teacher, let’s call her vishnu priya, she said she didn’t expect that person to die and she pointed at me and said “if she had died it would make sense”.…
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Negative and Positive crap.
Honestly I hate people who use these words. When someone has cancer or any other disease and they are suffering and they speak about it and talk about their journey online, will anyone label that person as negative? I don’t think so and if they do, that person is absolutely inhuman and cruel. I have…
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Some things I forgot to tell you.
(from Harry’s POV) When I used to mastrubate when I was young, I had no clue what I was doing. The only person I used to talk to was God and I kept asking him what is this? and I used to tell him it’s our secret. I used to think of only kissing scenes.…
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My thoughts at midnight.
It’s close to midnight and there are so many thoughts running on my mind. To begin with, I keep thinking it’s such a privilege to live a long and healthy life. I saw a beautiful old lady the other day with salt and pepper hair and blue highlights in between and I thought to myself…
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Note.
(from Harry’s POV) I think I’m not given the credit because I’m not capable of handling the enormity of it, which I feel is true because I think I know how big this has become. I’m really not sure what to do or how to go about it because I’m struggling to keep my job…
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Somthings I forgot to tell you.
(from Harry’s POV) Lucius used to call me sometimes after the betrayal and indirectly hurt me brutally and directly say things like “I want to meet you, can we meet”. I think now I know why he did that. I think it was because our conversation wasn’t private and he is a manipulative mother fucker.…
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Medical gaslighting.
(from Harry’s POV) Almost 11 years ago, I was taken to Dumbledore because of the immense BS that happened because of Voldemort and her faulty perception. Dumbledore started giving me medication without asking me a single question and without any facts or evidence and continued giving me the medication for 11 years based on his…
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Some things I forgot to tell you.
(from Harry’s POV) Remember I told you about the incident where my cousin brother pointed at me in a room full of people and called me ugly. After he did that, I went inside the room where my grandma was laying down and I was crying. I don’t know if she heard what happened, but…
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Some things I forgot to tell you.
(from Harry’s POV) I just remembered that I even sang in front of the whole class in my childhood. I don’t remember when things changed though. My experience with men (continued) I faked a lot in the past and have said to men that I liked them, when in reality I didn’t. I always felt…
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Note.
(from Harry’s POV) I feel like I’m talking to a stone wall sometimes because nothing seems to change but I’m going to say it anyway. I’m sorry but I have to address the elephant in the room because maybe unless I speak it, no one will know. What happens when I interact with people these…
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Questions I think about sometimes.
Is it really necessary for a janitor to wear a jumpsuit kind of uniform which looks super uncomfortable? Isn’t the work that they are doing uncomfortable to begin with? Do we need an uniform to add to that? The whole point of a watchman is to sit and protect us, so why are they given…
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Invest in your employees.
A lot of things go unnoticed and is not given much importance to, but I think otherwise. When I look at the people working as waiters, bus drivers and conductors, cab and auto drivers and so on, you know the people who are bound to wear an uniform for work, I feel they are not…
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What is even delusional?
(from Harry’s POV) It’s 5.36AM and I’ve been thinking about things ’cause what is sleep 😛 I keep wondering why everyone uses the word delusional, it doesn’t make sense to me at all, tbh. I still don’t get why Barbie is delusional because she seemed normal to me. If I have to be very honest…
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Note.
(from Harry’s POV) Please just give it to me. I really can’t live with my parents anymore. I love them most times, but I don’t have it in me to hear them bicker all the time anymore, I’ve reached the end of my rope. I’m grateful and happy but I find myself compromising a lot…
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Note.
(from Harry’s POV) I always wished for a normal life, but that doesn’t mean people should go against the force of nature and create it for me. Whatever is done is done and nothing can change that. I know everything and there is no point whatsoever to live in a lie anymore. Also, I don’t…
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Some things I forgot to tell you.
(from Harry’s POV) I remember talking to everyone in school up until 2nd-3rd grade. I used to sing and talk non stop but I was bullied continuously. Kids used to make fun of everything I did and I don’t remember when I stopped interacting with them and started getting lost in my own world. I…
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Some things I forgot to tell you.
(from Harry’s POV) Toxic friends (continued) I used to go to a tuition near my old house and I was the smarted kid there. But people used to try to bring me down even then. When I would make friends there, others (let’s call them anjali menon, swetha and some other made up names) would…
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Some things I forgot to tell you.
(from Harry’s POV) Domestic abuse (continued) Growing up Harry’s brother wanted everything to be shared equally between them. If Lily would give Harry little bit more chicken, his brother would throw everything on the table and smear the chicken on Harry’s face. James Potter wanted everything according to his whims and wishes, if there was…
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Note.
(from Harry’s POV) I don’t understand why I’m not given credit for my work when I’m repetitively asking for it. Also, it’s well deserved because it’s my words and ideas that’s being repeated by everyone and I’m the one who is making the positive changes. I really don’t understand the point of being gaslighted as…
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Note.
(from Harry’s POV) I don’t want a normal life anymore. I want a life where I’m not gaslighted and everything happens conventionally. I want credit for my work. I’m done living in a lie.
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Note.
(from Harry’s POV) I honestly don’t know why people gaslight me even now? I don’t understand the point of it anymore. I don’t understand why people ask me questions to which they already know the answer. I really don’t understand why people repeat my words and advice back to me, I don’t think anyone would…
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Note.
(from Harry POV) When someone is financially and emotionally ready to have children and 100% sure they are capable of handling the challenges that will arise, they should be allowed to have children. These are the only factors that should be checked when someone wants children and not if they are married or not married,…
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Find your spark (continued)
If you are trying out something new and it doesn’t work out, don’t worry. What matters is that you tried and you gained an experience. 🙂
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What healed me.
(from Harry’s POV) Most of the time when I’m going through something difficult, I get through it because I know how to heal myself. I feel over the years I’ve got a hang of how to do that. I’ve also learnt a lot of things by experience. The most important thing I’ve learnt is that…
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It’s time to re think empathy.
(from Harry’s POV) Sometimes I feel people get empathy all wrong. No, I do get the gesture and the intention behind it and everything. But I think to myself, is that empathy really necessary? Calling someone/something else crazy in front of me so that I feel better about myself? I mean when you think about…
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Forgiveness
(from Harry’s POV) And just like that I forgave my family. How did it happen? Well, it didn’t happen over night, I can tell you that. It took a lot of strength and love. I have come to realize that it’s human to make mistakes, as long as the mistakes are not severe, it can…
rachana rajan <3 